Andy goes into the break room, where Phyllis, Creed, Kevin and Meredith tweak him a little for being a slave driver. Kevin even changed Andy's ringtone to "Dixie" somehow.

Nellie gets a text in the car, and Pam commandeers her phone to read it to her so she doesn't text and drive. According to the message, Andy has a new special project for her, telling Nellie to dig up dirt on everyone else's family trees. "Looks like it's pretendy time again," Nellie sighs. "Write back, 'looking for dirt.'" Pam wants to help, and suggests pretending someone's related to Tonya Harding. Wounded, Nellie says she is, but of course she's just practicing. For Jim, Pam suggests saying he's related to Richard Nixon. Nellie compares her own ex to Tricky Dick: "All of the lying, none of the sexual charisma." That doesn't seem to strike Pam as funny at all, and she confesses that she thinks Jim isn't telling her something. With her powers of projection, Nellie concludes that it's an affair, which Pam doesn't believe. "You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?" Nellie says.

Back at the office, Andy has assembled everyone else to read Nellie's made-up genealogies for everyone off his phone. According to which Phyllis is related to Cholera Patient Zero in the U.S, Kevin's related to John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt, and Jim's related to Nixon. Jim does a TH with Nixon's presidential portrait that everyone has lying around, saying Pam always says he looks like Nixon, but he doesn't see it. "Oh, no," Jim realizes. Back in the meeting, Dwight tries to preemptively downplay his grandfather being a proto-Nazi. "I was going to say tax evader," Andy says, and Dwight plays it like he was just kidding. Finally, Meredith is supposedly related to Lizzie Borden. Andy says his point is that the actions of their ancestors aren't anyone's fault, so they don't have to talk about it.

Oscar points out that Andy's the only one still benefiting. "Your family's rich. I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves." Andy makes some Romney-like refusals to apologize for his family's success, a tirade interrupted by his phone ringing with "Dixie" again. This time it's his mom, and in front of everyone, Andy asks her if there were ever any southern plantations in the Bernard family. That's a no. As for the question, "Did any Bernards ever make money in an unsavory way," that's clearly a longer answer. "No, I don't want to know that,' Andy says shakily after a while. And then he hangs up and says there were never any Bernard slave owners. "We merely transported them. Which, at worst, makes us amoral middlemen." Oops. Clark starts to applaud that, but Pete stops him. I have to admit, the pre-break callbacks are really working well tonight.