Michael is all excited about throwing a baby shower for the child Jan is having with an anonymous sperm donor, even if he's less excited about Phyllis's performance as the new head of the Party Planning Committee. He's even planning to freeze out his office crushes, Holly and Ryan, to spare Jan's "bloated feelings." So when Jan shows up with the baby quite clearly already outside of her body, it's a bit of a letdown for him.
But that's only the beginning, as Jan spends the whole shower inflicting placenta stories and "Son of a Preacher Man" on the whole office at obnoxious length while Dwight crash-tests her $1200 stroller in the parking lot. Michael's left feeling cold when he holds the baby, and gets some much-needed advice from actual baby-daddy Darryl. When Jan leaves, completely not fooled by Michael's rudeness to Holly, she has the nerve to ask Michael not to date her. Michael, to his credit, asks Holly out about one minute later. To her somewhat more questionable credit, she agrees.
Meanwhile, Jim and Pam are having trouble connecting over the distance between them, but are more in sync than they realize. Seems kind of familiar, no?
It's a normal day at the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch, with everyone quietly going about their business. How is this normal, you ask? Well, Dwight appears to be wearing an apron with a watermelon stuffed inside it. Ah, that's more like it. After he loudly notifies Michael of his ten-minute contraction interval and ripening cervix, Jim explains in a TH what's going on, with the help of a handy flip chart and a couple of simple genealogical diagrams: Jan is having a baby with an anonymous sperm donor, and Michael is having a watermelon with Dwight. To explain the relationship between the baby and Michael, Jim simply draws a large question mark and states, "Delusion."
Dwight breaks his water (actually a paper cup) into a trash can, and Michael rushes out of his office to begin the simulation. Which will of course be noisy, chaotic, and totally disruptive, just like everything else these two ever do. Dwight throws a car breakdown at Michael, ordering him to adapt, but relents when Michael offers to let Andy step up instead and Andy is only too willing to begin gasping and screaming. Next thing we know, Dwight is sprawled on Michael's desk with his pants off, warning Michael to mark the baby with a Sharpie the moment it crowns. Jim isn't even bothering to make a face at us. It's more of a hopeless, dead-eyed stare. No sooner does Michael have the watermelon in his hands than it lands on his carpet and cracks open. "Butter," Dwight explains. "Newborns are slippery."
Cut to Michael snacking on a slice of savory watermelon while Dwight puts on his pants directly behind him. "It's going to be the happiest day of my life," Michael says, until the zipping of Dwight's fly right in his ear spoils the mood.
Michael enters the conference room, where the Party Planning committee is putting together a baby shower for Jan's kid. Michael's disappointed that Phyllis couldn't organize any live storks, but they've gotten together bowls of M&Ms personalized with baby names. "Chevy," for a boy, was Michael's suggestion, which tells me Jan is clearly expecting a girl. And, according to what Michael wrote down in his instructions, she plans to name her "Astird." The ladies in the room wonder what's up with that, and of course the FCC-baiting falls as always to Meredith, who thoughtfully pronounces "Ass-turd." Michael's not impressed with Phyllis's performance as head of the Party Planning Committee, and orders her to step it up. He reminds her of the bridal shower he gave her, and asks for a shower to match it. A golden shower, in fact. Once again, Michael's choice of words is more precise than he realizes.