The Office
Ben Franklin

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Ben Franklin

Michael addresses a video camera (held by Dwight) in his office: "Hello, son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead." And what does it mean that the rest of us are watching it? Well, it seems that Michael had a little brush with mortality yesterday in the form of a minor electrical outlet-cleaning mishap, and he wants his future son to know "the deal-io of life" in the event of Michael's death. Back to the recording, where Michael is saying that he wants to teach his son things that his mom won't be able to. Because she doesn't exist? And neither does their son?

Cut to the parking lot, where Michael demonstrates the wrong way to jumpstart a car. He seriously thinks that if he just keeps talking, it makes whatever he says true. Fortunately, Dwight is there shaking his head into the camera. The next tip is how to take off a woman's bra, but Pam doesn't want to sit for the demonstration, so Dwight does. Which, since the instruction consists of "twist your hand until something breaks," isn't that helpful anyway. Michael concludes by telling his future son he will always love him no matter what. "What if he's a murderer? Maybe that's how you die," Dwight speculates. Michael tries to get Dwight back in line, clearly giving some thought to how Dwight dies, and how Michael can dispose of the body.

Michael comes out into the bullpen, and says that with six days left before Phyllis's wedding -- perhaps her "only wedding ever" -- he's taking it upon himself to make sure everyone looks good, and is instituting prima nocta. For those of us who don't know Latin and didn't see Braveheart, Jim THs that this is a custom whereby the king deflowers every new bride on her wedding night. Back to the bullpen, where Michael furiously backpedals, having been filled in. And in his office, he THs that he's trying to build up excitement about Phyllis's wedding because he wants her to return the favor when the time comes. Of course, Phyllis will be very old by then. Yes, I know they're the same age.

Michael enters the conference room with a cheery "What's up, spinstas?" to the women there. Which, amazingly enough, is pretty much all of them save Phyllis. After being told that it's girls-only, Michael assures them that he's not worried; the guys are meeting up with Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration in the warehouse that afternoon -- not for a guys' night out, but for a guys' afternoon in. A GAI, if you will. Only it's not gay. Really, it's an "hour-long shower with guys." Which isn't gay at all. To his credit, Michael realizes that he's just getting in deeper, and stops digging. Too late.

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