Michael comes around, and his cute brunette neighbor has been replaced by Hank the security guard, who is of course cute in a completely different way. He asks the nurse (although he calls her "waitress," which is just several levels of gross) for the lady's name so he can return the glove she left behind. But naturally she can't give that information out. Poor Michael: shot from the HIPAA.

Kelly rips a paper heart in half and sticks it on the wall. "What are you doing?" Meredith asks. "Decorating," Kelly says. Meredith joins in, tearing the wings off a cupid so it just looks like a "stupid baby," and both their Valentine's Days just got a lot better.

Jim and Pam are at lunch at a restaurant with Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration. The show has dropped that joke, of course, because it knows when it's run its course. Luckily, I don't suffer from that affliction. Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration tells Jim, "I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass. And that other jackass, and that new jackass." "Michael, Dwight and Andy," Phyllis translates, quite unnecessarily. Although Andy's been there for two years now. Actually, now that I think about it, I've never seen an office with such low employee turnover. And I worked at the same place for nine years once.

Michael's "convention" is a pretty sad affair, with everyone sitting in chairs in a circle in the conference room. I guess that's what happens when you have a party without half of the party planning committee. Michael suggests having everyone talk about their worst relationship stories, which so far consists of him trying to draw people out and then making them feel worse. You're welcome, Kelly.

At lunch, the couples exchange bowling stories. Their banter is the exact right level of not-quite-effortless. At least for Pam and Jim.

Up in the office, Oscar is telling a long story about a guy he approached, who said he wasn't gay, but was later sighted in a gay bar in Kansas City. Michael thinks that's a happy ending, since he turned out to be gay after all. "You should call him!" he encourages. Angela says her worst breakup was a two-fer. "They had a duel over me." Oscar says that everyone remembers what happened with Dwight and Andy, but Angela's talking about something that happened years ago in Ohio, with John Mark and John David. Michael asks where Andy is, and Oscar says he's on one of his honeymoons. You know how Andy was with his nonrefundable deposits. Oscar elaborates, "I think today he's hot-air ballooning, and then later he's got a couples massage." Kevin tells his breakup story, which was Stacey telling him abruptly one Sunday morning, "We're done." If such a communicative couple couldn't make a go of it, what chance do the rest of us have? Michael begins to have second thoughts about this whole idea, and says that instead of sitting around feeling sorry for themselves, they should go out and look for people. "There's a girl out there for all of us, maybe even in this office park," he says transparently. On the spot, he suggests a mixer, which Dwight rejects as a perversion of natural selection. "You're like the guy who invented the seat belt."