The Office
Branch Wars

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Wing Chun: B- | Grade It Now!
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Branch Wars

Utica. The Scranton Three has reached the parking lot outside the DM building. Michael starts running down his plan, but as soon as he mentions Jim's part, Jim emphatically declares that he will not be leaving the car. Michael says that he and Dwight, then, are going to enter the building and "silly string the bejesus out of the place." Dwight says that if they run into trouble, he can stab the security guard in the eye with a piece of sidewalk chalk, or else grind it up into a powder and blow it in his eyes. Jim forces Dwight to promise that he will not menace anyone's eyes. Jim sees Karen leaving the building, and Michael and Dwight sidle in without her noticing, while back in the car, Jim reclines his car seat aaaaaaall the way back.

FTC. Kevin and Phyllis come into the break room and ruin everything. Maybe the founders should consider holding their meetings at one of their homes instead of getting their gayness in the middle of everyone else's lunch? I'm just saying.

In the bullpen, Andy tells Stanley that he's been like Andy's "kind old Uncle Remus." He says he wants to stay in touch. I'm sure Stanley has been praying for an invitation just like that.

Utica. Michael and Dwight and their ominous black duffel bags enter the building. Dwight gives Jim extremely detailed updates over a two-way radio. They run into a security guard, at which point Dwight demonstrates that he's exactly as bad at acting casual as you'd expect. Once the guard has moved on, from the sounds of it, Dwight purrs into the radio, "I can see the security guard's eyes!...I have to do something to his eyes!" Jim tries to urge him not to, but he's got his work cut out for him, as Dwight interviews, "The eyes are the groin of the head." Now, when you sell the body part that way, who could resist wanting to take a poke?

Sometime later, Jim radios to Michael that if they've absconded with the Choking Hazard poster, they should come back. Michael says they've found something even better: the industrial copier. Jim, alarmed, asks if that isn't huge, but Dwight says that they're wheeling it down the hall to the stairwell. It doesn't take long before Michael and Dwight have lost control of the equipment and end up pinned between it and the stairway railing. Pivot! PIVOT! Michael melodramatically urges Jim to go on without them -- to take Karen to a hotel and seduce her into relinquishing her hold on Stanley -- while Dwight insists that Jim come rescue them. By this time, of course, Karen has come back from whatever errand took her out of the office, and Jim is ducking down to avoid her seeing him -- but the camera operator can't help shooting her, and when she looks right into the lens, she is naturally moved to come see who's in Michael's stupid car. Karen comes over and knocks on the car window just as Michael begs Jim, "If this is it for me, just promise me something: host the Dundies!" But Jim can't promise anything, as he and Karen lay eyes on each other for the first time in months, and he has to do so in a fake moustache Michael probably bought from a dollar store and that therefore is probably 99% Chinese lead and giving him cancer even as we speak.

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The Office

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