The Office

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Paper T(r)ail

Ryan stands to address the "elephant in the room." No, not Kevin! Bah-dum-bum. He admits regretting his actions, but says it was a wild ride. As proof, he cites an occasion on which he hooked up with a girl who looked just like a Survivor reject. Impressive...-ish. Because he's a uniter, not a divider (and has a massive man-crush on Ryan), Michael claps for Ryan's achievement.

Holly moves on to the questionnaires they filled out earlier. Number one: It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Agree or disagree? Apparently most of the DMers only picked "Strongly Agree" when they should have chosen "Totally Agree." Michael cuts the perceived tension by saying they can all "Totally Agree" that Holly is "totally fantastic." She blushes and moves on, adding that hanging out at the watercooler, for example, is "time theft," which is tantamount to stealing and/or taking money from the company. She asks for examples of time-wasting activities. Stanley, who is reading a book, dryly offers, "This meeting."

Michael tries forestall the staff coup, but Kelly gets riled up by the strict time-wasting rules and threatens to take up smoking. I would admit that I, too, have considered this tactic, but that would put me in the same boat as someone who purposefully ingested a tape worm... that she bought from Creed. Anyhow, Meredith offers to join her, since she just happens to have a bag of cigars in her purse. Next to the tampons and mini-bottles of Scotch, I'm guessing.

Holly plows on, but Michael interrupts to coach her on how to conduct meetings. He says, "People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter... sudden twists... surprise endings..." In essence, she should be some combination of Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. She should be Robin Shyamalan! Holly reiterates that she just has to read through the binder, but he says she's losing them.

She takes it in stride, opening up the discourse with a metaphor about stealing a pencil from the supermarket. Michael cough-interjects, but she frets that she specifically has to go over supply theft. Oscar notes that ethics is actually a whole course of study about concepts of good, whereas this is just corporate dogma to prevent employees from stealing supplies. Holly = flustered.

In his typically blowhard-ish, well-meaning way, Andy chips in, "Would you steal bread to feed your family? Boom!" He says he took "Intro to Philosophy"... twice. For his part, Dwight proves himself to be quite the Robin Shyamalan by saying the bread is poisoned. And, he adds with totally meta smugness, that it's not even "your real family" because "you've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter man." In summary, Andy is confused, Dwight is a jackass, Angela is dissociating herself from a situation of her own making, Jim is vaguely amused but generally ashamed to be there, Kevin is trying to make meaning from a series of words that have been strung together, and Michael is entirely too eager to participate.

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The Office

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