Jim hands Dwight his new security pass, fresh out of the laminating machine. Dwight is displeased. This is humongous," he says, holding up his little card floating in the middle of an 8 ½ by 11 sea of laminate sheeting. "I am not a security threat," Dwight adds. "And my middle name is Kurt. Not Fart." Jim smirks at the camera as Dwight goes straight to Toby with this fresh addition for Jim's file. "Talk to Michael, I gave him the box," Toby says distractedly. "What box?" Dwight demands. Busted!

Dwight bursts into Stanley vs. Phyllis and freaks out all over everyone, declaring either he or Jim has to be out by the end of the day, and Michael has to choose. Dwight runs back out clutching his complaint files, all girly elbows and shoulders flying in all directions.

After the ads, Dwight is in Michael's office, insisting that he's not bluffing. Michael tries to break the tension by laughing at Dwight's ID with him, but it doesn't work. Dwight storms out, and the camera zooms in on the giant "Dwight Fart Schrute" ID sitting on Michael's keyboard.

Back at his desk, Dwight is on the intranet, going through internal postings for Jim and whispering at him, "Transfer...transfer...". Like Jim would ever take that sales job in Stamford. Michael comes out of his office and announces how they're going to resolve this: cage match!

Michael THs to us, like we're the idiots, that of course cage matches work. "If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage." He is never more infuriating than when he's making sense.

Michael starts going through the giant stack of Dwight's complaints against Jim. You'll pardon me if transcribe each one, because this is my favorite sequence in The Office history, if not sitcom history.

Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.

Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to. Jim nods, and laughingly THs, "Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it."

This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me he committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.