Most of the rest of the staff is still preoccupied with the burglary. "Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it," Creed THs darkly. "The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton." Wow, someone's clearly upset about losing his mung beans. [Does that mean he killed a guy who stole his identity, or possibly just had the same name as him? Or that he killed a guy who stole something else from him and then took his name, meaning "Creed Bratton" is an alias? Also, does it matter? - Z] Back in the bullpen, Michael tells everyone to meet in the conference room promising to make everything all better. Then he THs that he's about to put on a charity auction like Farm Aid, only it's called "Crime Aid." "Instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty." Well, that's always worked out well for him in the past.In the conference room, Michael is explaining the idea to the troops. Phyllis likes the idea, saying that her sorority did it all the time. This sends Michael on an unfortunate tangent about whether this was some kind of Phyllis-only sorority. "Move on, Michael," she says. Michael talks about maybe auctioning people off "like in the olden days" (obligatory shot of a glowering Stanley). But then he starts winding up to something big, taking so long and saying so little that Jim finally leans forward and asks, "Do you need us for any of this?" It turns out that Michael has a pair of Bruce Springsteen tickets to auction off. Michael and Holly do a joint TH from behind his desk about how he landed this remarkable coup. "The boss got the boss," Holly says. "He knows how to get things. He got me!" Michael acts shocked at her indiscretion, then adds, "Twice."
In the hallway to the kitchen, Dwight corners Angela and makes his ultimatum. Since he ends it with the phrase, "Or you can say goodbye to this" while pointing at his groin, it's probably not quite what Phyllis had in mind. [Although, considering that seems to be all Angela wants from him, it may have been his best motivator. - Z] Spotting a camera shooting them from behind a door, Angela plays dumb, saying he must have her confused with someone else. Dwight gives her until 6:14 p.m. anyway.
In the warehouse, Michael has a podium set up in front of rows of chairs. What's remarkable is that most of the chairs appear to be full, not just with staff members, but some randoms as well. Behind him is a hand-drawn Crime Aid banner. ("Crime Reduces Innocence, Makes Everybody Angry, I Declare," explains Michael, having somehow found time to turn it into an acronym.) At his right, Holly sits next to a drawing of one of those fundraising thermometers that she'll be filling in with a red marker as the auction progresses. Or at least she will in theory. Michael takes the podium while Darryl plays "Heart of Rock & Roll" on a boom box. Wondering what that's about? Darryl does a deadpan TH about Michael's list of top ten favorite Springsteen songs. "Three were Huey Lewis and the News, one was Tracy Chapman's 'Fast Car,' and my personal favorite, 'Short People.'" What, no "Jessie's Girl?" Michael teases the Springsteen tickets, but the first item up for bid is a yoga lesson from Holly, which he starts at $300. After a lengthy interval that's filled by nothing but Michael's terrible fast-talking auctioneer impersonation, he ends up buying it himself, bringing down the gavel on $300. What little effect there is is rather spoiled, as the gavel appears to be a dog's chew toy. "It squeaks when you bang it," Michael complains to Phyllis, and adds, "That's what she said" in the very same breath. Next, at Darryl's request, Michael puts up a bid for going out for beers right now with the warehouse guys, which Jim wins for $5.00 after Darryl locks Michael out of the bidding on the tenuous grounds that it's a conflict of interest. The next item? "It just says, 'Creed,'" Michael reads in confusion. "Yeah, that's all-inclusive," Creed announces. Don't know, don't want to know.