Doorbell! It's Dwight - his hair combed up off his forehead -- and an old lady. ["Beth Grant! Still doubting your commitment to Sparkle Motion!" -- Joe R] "Awesome!" Pam whispers. Everyone wonders what they're doing there, including Dwight's aged date when she hears they weren't actually invited. Michael backs up Dwight, and when Jan protests and calls Michael selfish, he goes on a rant that I can't even get into except to say that it ends with the line, "You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!" "You win! Let's have a fucking kid!" Jan wails in defeat. "Can we come in?" Dwight asks from the threshold. Is he sure he wants to?
Dinner. Finally. Except Dwight's the only one eating, since he brought a turkey leg and some beet salad that he and his date are picnicking on. Everyone else is sitting around with no food in front of them. Jan goes to check on it, and Michael leans forward to whisper to Pam that he thinks Jan might be poisoning him. Jan returns, delivering the first to plates to Michael and Pam. Hmmm. Looks like Pam's going to stay hungry a while longer.
With everyone's food delivered, Jan complains about Michael dipping his food in his wineglass. Hurt (he's got thin skin and soft teeth), he leaves the table. Jim asks how Dwight knows his date; turns out she was his babysitter. "Purely carnal, that's all you need to know," Dwight says. Jim asks for the babysitter's email address: "I have...so many questions." Here's the babysitter's question: "Email?"
Michael returns and hangs that giant neon beer sign on the wall, casting a blue glow and a loud buzz over the table. Jan tries to nicely ask Michael to take it down, and when he doesn't, she gets up and turns up Hunter's music again. And the next thing you know, they're yelling at each other. It's looking like Michael's going to get the last word -- and they are "that's what she said!"-- but then Jan hurls a Dundie at Michael's $200 plasma TV. Michael screams at her, and she ducks into the bathroom. Cue the mass exodus of the guests. Thanks for a lovely evening!
As the guests leave, they run into the arriving cops ("Not now, Dwight," says one), who were called in due to a disturbance. You know, all the screaming. Michael's dealing with that when Jan comes out in tears, all repentant abuser. One of the cops asks Michael if he can sleep somewhere else that night, and Dwight steps up, since Jim reminds them his apartment is on fire. "Flooded," Pam corrects.