Back at the table, everyone's enjoying the cake except Michael, who tells Helene to enjoy it before he tells her something terrible. Well, she's sure to love it now. And then he makes her wait through the commercials before breaking up with her. "I have to consider Pam's feelings, as a friend and a coworker." She says it's okay: "You obviously make my mom very happy, and that makes me happy." Michael tries to act grateful, but insists on pushing on. He says she needs someone who understands her references. "Who is Kafkaesque? I've never -- I don't know him." Michael, you practically invented him. Then he makes up "another woman" named Italy. "And skydiving, and bungee jumping." Jim tries, "Okay, so..." but Michael rambles on that he wants kids, "And you unfortunately have already completed your journey down there." There's an awkward silence while the server refills their water glasses.
That's nothing compared to the awkwardness of the ride back to the office, with the women in the back this time around. Helene asks, "I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?" "Well, hobbies..." Michael begins. "Stop," Jim says.
Dwight comes upon Andy in the stock room trying to reach something on a high shelf, and when he offers to help, he discovers a Starbucks gift card, for everyone. "Surpriiiise!" Andy sings happily. Dwight frustratedly THs about his wasted day. "I could have grown poison mushrooms that'd be THIS HIGH BY NOW!" he bitches, holding his hand thisfar above the carpet.
Michael calls Pam into is office, claiming it's a work-related matter when she resists. He says he's going to give her a raise for her good work. "I have the lowest sales record if anyone here," she protests. He says it's about attitude. "I have the worst attitude of any person here," she protests in exactly the same tone. But she'll take the raise, which is when Michael says there are strings attached, "From my heart to your mean attitude." He's not getting anywhere, even in his attempts to read her stony face, and he finally gives up and asks what she wants. "Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Do want me to get down on one knee and beg you?" Pam goes with door number two. Michael doesn't think she's serious, and she asks if he's kidding. He stutters, "Y-no." he offers to tense his stomach so she can do it right there, but she wants to wait until after work so they can do it in the parking lot, in front of everyone. "I'm going to hit you as hard as I can." Michael agrees, and Pam leaves happy. Does she still get the raise?