Dwight conducts a faux interview with Angela, saying that although he knows she's innocent, he has to make it look good. "Where were you yesterday after work?" he shouts at her. Angela's smile tells us that she thinks it looks very good indeed.
Michael comes out of his office to find Dwight on the phone. He launches back into his narc bit, encouraged by Kevin. Undaunted, Dwight hangs up his phone and announces that drug testers are on their way as we speak. Apparently, this is company policy when drugs are found on the premises, which Toby more or less confirms. Michael stops teasing and starts looking nervous. Hmm, might Michael have something to hide?
Sure enough, in a TH, he admits that he went to an Alicia Keys concert two nights ago, and this girl with a lip ring in the seat next to him had a friend who was passing around clove cigarettes. "Everyone was doing it," he excuses. Back in the bullpen, Michael announces that he's cancelling the drug testing in favor of visual inspections he will conduct himself. But Dwight isn't having it. "It has to be official and it has to be urine!" he yells at everyone, swiveling from side to side in his seat like Deputy Shit of Turd County. Michael retreats to his office to regroup, and possibly think of a way to parallel himself to Vic Mackey on The Shield.
Dwight asks Accounting as a group what prescription drugs they're taking. Angela says none. "You're not...on...anything?" Dwight asks. Angela just looks at him. "Good," Dwight says, much to Kevin and Oscar's confusion.
Jim's in the break room (not the kitchen) with Kelly, who's talking about a recent date with Ryan while Jim's prohibited from saying anything. Not that Kelly notices. Pam comes in to tell them that Michael's called a meeting, but they should take their time to finish up their conversation. If I recap Jim's expressions in this scene, and indeed the rest of the episode, I'm never getting out of here.
Michael has decided to make this a come-to-Jesus meeting about drug use, heroically spinning his earlier ribbing of Dwight as a narc. "How many of you defended him?" Michael demands. He lectures that drugs ruin lives and careers, and breaks out a bunch of stats that he is making up on the spot. Which makes them fresh, at least. He unveils a flip-chart list he's written, of illegal drugs, and asks who's familiar with them. "Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael," Toby correctly but unwisely points out. Michael tells Pam "take this down" and, ignoring the way Pam is showing her empty hands to the camera, orders Toby's blood and hair tested as well, bulldozing over Toby's protests. Michael opens the floor for stories about drugs, and Pam raises her hand to very seriously nominate Jim to tell a story about "a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs." Jim stares hate-beams at Pam, who just looks back encouragingly. After much prodding from Michael, Jim finally rises, shakes his head, and sits back down faux-emotionally, his hand to his eyes. "That looked like it was gonna be good," Michael says, disappointed. And Pam is deeply impressed. "Fake crying!" she THs. "Did not expect that." Back in the meeting, Michael says that since nobody else hates drugs as much as he does, they'll all be tested and he won't. Dwight assures Michael that everyone will be tested, with no exceptions, and Michael waspishly says fine, but warns Dwight that he's so busy today he wasn't even planning to go to the bathroom, and who knows if anything will even come out?