The Office
Dwight Christmas

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Last Christmas

In the conference room, Pam is exhorting her fellow party planning committee members to take risks. "And yeah, Dwight's party is going to be terrible. Maybe." But it could also be great, she says. And that's really all she's got. Still, it's enough to convince Phyllis to get on board, probably in part to erase the memory of her Moroccan Christmas. Angela insists on having her name taken off it, and Oscar loudly agrees.

The committee emerges into the bullpen and announces that they're doing Dwight's Christmas. Dwight celebrates loudly, and Pam gives Dwight one important rule: "There are no rules." "You have never been cooler!:" Dwight tells her excitedly. Jim's almost as excited as Dwight is, though for different reasons, and in a joint TH with Pam, he says, "Best. Christmas. Ever." We go to ads, at which point I realize there were no opening titles at all this week. Is someone really mad at Ed Helms or something?

Dwight blows a trumpet to announce the start of the Christmas party. Amenities include a punch bowl full of "glow-wine," also used to sterilize medical instruments, which even Meredith can barely drink. Lifting the ladle, he announces, "This is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal." Over by the window to the conference room, Jim and Pam gingerly examine a loaf of meat that Dwight comes over to identify as a "hog-maw," which he reveals is a stuffed pig stomach. And after it's all gone, they'll get to break the pig rib. "Weird," Meredith brays, demanding sugar cookies and karaoke, and Dwight explains how it's "austere... cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions." He also shares that a candy cane is modeled after a shepherd's crook, which tastes not like peppermint but sheep feces.

Later, Jim and Pam are thrilled to watch Dwight read from a book while holding a candle. Jim excitedly runs out to hear the rest of the German poem, at which point Dwight interrupts to claim he hears something on the roof, then pretends to have to run to his car, "to take a dump," an obviously transparent ruse that just makes Kevin with for a car-bathroom of his own.

Pete's still reciting the Die Hard screenplay, while Erin follows along online and calls him on a mistake, which he maintains is the error of the fan transcriber. You'll notice that all my transcriptions of this show's dialogue are always 100 percent accurate as I'm no longer a fan.

Erin suddenly runs out with her phone, because she got an email from Andy. She excitedly reading-heads, "'What up, Shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw Life of Pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see Hobbit.' Wait." Erin, now considerably less excited, returns to Pete to hear the rest of the movie. He tries to continue, but the mood has changed, and Erin wants to actually watch it right now, and she's ready to leave. "I probably got a copy or two in my car," Pete offers. And all Gabe ever drove around with was Asian porn.

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