Andy shows up at the office again, this time acting so down on his luck that he's willing to work as a lowly janitor. Of course, it's all an act so he can dramatically reveal himself as the new Regional Manager when David Wallace swoops in to announce his buyout of Dunder Mifflin, but he oversells it a bit. To the point where most of the other employees stage an intervention for him. When Andy reveals the truth, nobody believes him, and soon even Erin thinks that Andy may have finally lost his tiny little mind.
Also back from the wilderness are a couple of the former warehouse workers, who want their jobs back after blowing their lottery winnings on Hide's energy drink for Asian homosexuals. Darryl takes them down to introduce them to Val, and compliments her so highly that her jerk boyfriend takes jerky exception. Which is exactly what Darryl wanted him to do, and after declaring his intentions, he sits back and waits for Val to come to him. Which she does.
The backdrop for all this, if you'll forgive the pun (and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't), is Dwight's "free family portrait studio" that he's set up in the break room. Jim thinks it's a scheme for Dwight to avenge himself for the latest prank that even I think is over the line, but it turns out Dwight's just trying to get a DNA sample from Angela's baby. After some unsuccessful collection attempts, Dwight ends up leading Angela on a high-speed chase with little Phillip's poopy diaper. I don't even know if you can DNA test poop, but I know I wouldn't want to.
Wallace eventually shows up, better late than never, and makes the announcement that Andy thought was going to be his big moment (it's not). The news includes the liquidation of the rest of Sabre, but Robert California somehow swindles Wallace into bankrolling his personal global sex tour. Nellie uses some Shakespeare to get Andy to hire her back as "Special Projects Manager," Angela and Dwight end up making out at the DNA lab, and her husband hits on Oscar in a way even Jim wouldn't be able to deny. And that's it for Season Eight, if not the whole mess once and for all.
Oh, and it's Gabe's birthday, but literally not one person cares.
We start with a webcam's-eye view of Oscar foolishly attempting to make an "It Gets Better" video in the office, the message of which is rather undercut by Dwight in the background telling Phyllis, "He's searching out younger gays." Then Kelly comes in to do her makeup in the webcam and after Oscar shoos her away, Robert pushes him aside to end the "reductionist pep talk." Then he puts his big face further into the camera and starts holding forth about how there's no such thing as normal sexuality any way. "It gets better, but it also gets vastly more complicated," he smarms. Kevin puts his face in there and ends up cracking both his head and Robert's. While Kevin cries in the background like a wounded toddler, Oscar concludes, "It gets better. Maybe not much better, but better." Just make the show better again, please.
After the mini-credits, we learn that Dwight -- who is still the building's landlord, in case you forgot -- has set up a free family portrait studio as a gift to the tenants of the building. He's presiding over the pictures being taken by an unspeaking photographer as Toby, Stanley, Creed and Meredith take part (Creed with his parents and boy have Toby and Meredith's kids grown since "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"), but Dwight is still pushing some of the other employees to bring their kids in -- especially Darryl, Angela and Jim. "I know why you're doing this, Dwight," Jim says. He THs that he may have gone too far last week, arranging for a replica suit of Dwight's to be made with Velcro and "You can fill in the rest." But we still see a shot of Jim running up behind Dwight in the parking lot and stripping him to his underwear in one motion. Yes, definitely too far. "Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious." Would have been fair not to be that much of a dickhead, Jim.
Hide and one of the other former warehouse guys are back in Darryl's office, having already lost all of their lottery winnings investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals, which, it turns out, has not done well. Unable to resist gloating, Darryl opens a pink can with the Japanese characters that transliterate roughly to "geh-ee" (yes, I've forgotten almost all of my Japanese, but I still know how to look it up) and takes a sip, against the other ex-employee's advice. "What flavor is that?" he asks. Hide says that it's "Coconut P---s." "The coconut's... pretty subtle," Darryl whispers, traumatized. The point is that they want their jobs back. Darryl's about to get into it with them, but then he sees Val crossing the office and starts to stand up. Then he sees her boyfriend Brandon following her and sits right back down. He THs that if he were Val, he'd break up with Brandon and "date the heck out of me... I would go crazy on myself."