"I still need something to drink out of, though," Michael adds. Psych! Now cut to black.
After consulting a printed-out list of his employees, Michael makes an announcement: he's about to reveal a secret about Phyllis. "When Phyllis was in high school, she was so... cute. And she still is." Phyllis THs, "I thought he knew about the baby I gave away." Well, thank God that's still a secret. Phyllis shows Michael the mittens she's knitting him, and even all the care she says it needs doesn't stop him from pretending to be thrilled. Michael presents Phyllis with a gift of his own: his chattering teeth, to remind her to speak her mind. Stanley gets his mini pool table, although he's not thrilled that "it's got no balls." Andy gets...Michael's ten biggest accounts. Andy and the other salespeople are all taken aback, and even Andy promises that he's going to lose all the clients. But Dwight's actually cool with it. He cheerfully THs, "I've given up on expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing, or even the comprehensible thing."
Deangelo VOs about how he used to be obese, and after overcoming that, he can handle anything, up to and including being shot in the head. "I almost welcome it." But when he doesn't know the camera's on him, being next to the vending machine is clearly a battle.
Michael's present to Kevin is a drawing of Kevin, looking like a pig in a diaper and squatting over a pizza. While Kevin is taking that in, Michael rips it in half and tell him never to be a caricature. He makes Kevin sand up so Michael can tell Kevin he will be thin, stop drooling over pizza, and find love. Kevin says he's cool with who he is, but Michael insists, "You should never settle for who you are." Great gift.
Michael has barely begun addressing Oscar when Andy calls over to say he's already lost one of the clients. "Just do your best, buddy," Michael calls back. Michael explains to Oscar how he's the scarecrow because he's the one with the brain, so Oscar gets a creepy-ass burlap doll Michal made. Oscar accepts graciously. And in his office, Michael cracks up, "It looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm! And he just accepted it!" Continuing to laugh, he says, "He has the lowest opinion of me of anybody!" I love how Michael got the best of Oscar after all.
To Angela, he asks, "Was it just me, or did you think we were gonna have sex at some point?" Angela thinks the former, although it's not terribly convincing. It out Michael's gift is to let her show him some pictures of her and her state senator. And her state senator's strapping male aide, who always seems to be there. "I guess this could be the one, huh?" Michael says. Oscar just shakes his head in the background.