Credits. 9653. 11532. Those are the numbers, just like on Lost.
Michael is in his office, and Jan is on the speaker phone. Of course, he's not paying very much attention to anything she says, except as it might pertain to setting up a crude and/or ethnic joke, and she's well aware of it, so she expositionally repeats herself that there's a new incentive program, under which the top salesperson at the end of the month can get a gift worth up to a thousand dollars. Michael's ears perk up, and he wants to know if he can pick the prize. Jan foolishly tells him that he can, and Michael naturally wants to know whether the prize can go to...you know...people who were once so great at sales that they've since been...you know...promoted. And maybe their names rhyme with "Richael Mott," but just maybe. Jan is wise to this crafty approach, and she tells Michael he can't win the prize. "I didn't mean me," he says, like it's the silliest of ideas. When it comes to easy ways to actually get his employees to like him -- keeping his grubby mitts off the prize money, for instance -- you'll notice that Michael's need to be loved seems to evaporate.
Now, Michael is behind his desk, pondering what motivates people the most. "Sex," says Dwight, who turns out to be standing against the wall behind Michael. Michael derails this idea on the basis that it's illegal. So: no hookers, is the thing. Dwight's other idea is "torture," so he's maybe missing the point a little. Torture costs way more than a thousand dollars! Just then, Pam comes in, and after putting her through yet another "riff" on her name (this one painfully relating to the prospect of a "Pamburger," which will send poor Pam straight to therapy, no doubt), he finally lets her explain that there's someone in the office who wants to sell purses. Michael puts the kibosh on the idea and refuses to even talk to the woman, until he peeks through the window of his office and sees that she's the lovely, lusciously redheaded Amy Adams (Junebug, Catch Me If You Can), at which point he figures that, well, you know, maybe he'll get out of his chair and make the trip.
Michael opens with a "cock in the henhouse" joke, which he manages to dismissively reprimand Dwight for repeating, like saying "cock" became rude after Michael said it. Oh, this poor woman. This poor woman who has no idea what she's walked into introduces herself as Katy. "You're like the new and improved Pam!" Michael enthuses. "Pam 6.0!" Pam looks like she's grown impatient all at once, and Michael chortles and instructs the women that there are to be "no catfights." No catfights for the lovely ladies! Don't be hitting each other with your purses, either! Michael tells Katy that he'll allow her to use the conference room to sell her bags all day long. Pam points out that there's a meeting scheduled for that room later, but Michael is only too happy to volunteer to kick the meeting into the hallway. He declares that this kind of "decisiveness" is important, according to Small Businessman. Or Small Business Man. Or Small-Business Man. Depends. Michael THs that he does read this marvelous publication, along with USA Today and American Way, an in-flight magazine that recently featured "Doris Roberts, and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix." I cannot explain why I find that joke so blisteringly hilarious, but it's one of my favorite jokes of the season. I find that I want to know where Doris Roberts likes to eat when she's in Phoenix, despite being one of the world's few stubborn Doris Roberts dislikers. (Except when she was in Remington Steele.) (And now I am one million years old.)