Andy THs at length about his drinking habits in college, during which he was called, alternately, "Puke," "Ace," and "Buzz," depending on what stage of his stream-of-consciousness monologue he's in at any given moment.
Back at the intervention, Michael has busted out a drinking questionnaire that turns out to be from a Mormon web site. Toby wants Michael to contact an expert. "I'm doing your job, man," Michael tells him. After calling Kelly on texting during the intervention, Michael wants to go around the circle to talk about how Meredith's drinking has affected everyone. Michael's example is how Meredith made them stop the best Christmas party he's ever been to so they could do this intervention. Kevin brings up the time Meredith got too drunk to go a movie, so she gave the tickets to Kevin. "That was really cool," Kevin concludes. Obviously this isn't what Michael was looking for. He tries to bring Dwight in, but there's no help there. "In the Schrute family," Dwight THs, "we believe in a five-fingered intervention." He holds up a fist and raises one finger at a time: "Awareness, education, control, acceptance, and punching." Michael continues to try and run the intervention, as Dwight gets up to sell another Princess Unicorn to a walk-in. And Phyllis does a TH in which she shows us what the gift from Corporate is this year: Dunder Mifflin shot glasses. "I don't think they're appropriate any more," she grumbles. Then she goes into the kitchen, where Angela is on hummus duty, and makes her put on a hair net. No mercy.
Meredith finally admits her addiction... to porn. Trying to get things back on track, Michael reminds her that she caught alight today, wonders what's going to happen some other day in the future when she comes into work dead. "I stab her in the head with a wooden stick," Dwight volunteers. Michael finally says that the next time Meredith catches fire, nobody's putting her out. Dwight corrects that he would need to, as fire marshal. That devolves into a tangent about controlled burns and permits, until finally Toby calls a halt and everyone else bails. "You did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us," Jim tells Michael. As the intervention breaks up, Michael calls them all enablers. He THs that his Christmas wish is for Meredith to get better, but his wishes never come true, so he doesn't want to wish that for her. "A watch would be nice," he adds.