Michael calls Jim into his office to show him a blurry photo that he took at his condo complex, of a nondescript guy in jeans and sunglasses. He's convinced it's Johnny Depp. "That's right, I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton!" Jim says excitedly. Michael does such a bad Jack Sparrow impression that Jim starts throwing out guesses like John Dillinger (who Depp at least played) and Cap'n Crunch (who, as far as I know, he didn't). Michael finally figures out Jim's mocking him and snaps, "Screw you, Halpert." Yikes, it just got real in here. Then he mocks Jim right back for that time he thought he saw Roger Clemens. At a Yankees game. Jim yields the point, and Michael admits that might be why the name on "Johnny Depp's" mailbox was M Schulman. Jim gets excited all over again, and turns back to ask, "M. Night Shulman?" Michael looks shocked at the teaser's unpredictable twist ending.

Staff meeting. Michael announces that the lost and found has been lost. I'm sure its absence has nothing to do with the glasses Creed's wearing that are totally not his. Michael starts to move on to "pet day," but the sales people are eager to hear about the hot new leads the company bought from a market research firm for fifty grand. And when it turns out there aren't any sales topics at all, all the sales people clear out. Andy and Dwight don't even bother to stick around and suck up.

Michael talking-heads about how Sabre is so sales-focused that the new culture is going to the salespeople's heads. As we see Gabe handing out Sabre swag to just the sales staff, Michael says that the way it used to work was, "Make friends first. Make sales second. Make love third. In no particular order." Kind of strange that Michael's so bitter about the change, given which of those three things he himself is best at.

Dwight comes into Michael's office with an apologetic look to talk about when he was asking about the leads earlier, and would now just like to say, "Is there any news on the leads?" Michael doesn't say anything, so Dwight tells him to try all six of his numbers if they come in while he's gone. Dwight THs that salesman is king, and as the best salesman, he's king of kings. But isn't that Jesus? "What does that say to you about how I think of myself?" Nothing we didn't already know.

Angela stomps over to Phyllis's desk, demanding to know why Phyllis hasn't answered, let alone complied with, Angela's four e-mails summoning her to her desk. Phyllis blows her off. Okay, that one I'm cool with.