Michael explains: they need to control the story, unlike O.J. Michael's bringing in a client named Barbara Allen to give her a personal apology. And with that, he sends everyone to battle stations.
Surprisingly, Creed is the one managing this crisis most assiduously. He's on the phone with the paper mill, claiming to have tried to meet with one of the floor managers last week, but pretending to "forget" which one as a pretense for finding out who was gone at the time. When he gets a name, it's not looking good for a paper mill employee named Debbie Brown. Creed THs that the only difference between him and a homeless man is this job, and that he will do what it takes to survive. "Like I did when I was a homeless man."
In the break room, Kelly has decided to begin training the accountants for customer service by telling them that, as of today, they're "no longer losers." Basically, all they need to do is answer the phone and say their names. Although, if they like, they can make up names and use funny accents. Which is what Kevin and Kelly proceed to do, in a conversation between Bridget Jones and the Crocodile Hunter, as imagined by morons. Excuse me -- I meant "bigger morons."
In the car, Andy tells Jim, "Beer me." That's his way of asking for a bottled water. "Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time," he explains. Of course Andy is the kind of guy who likes those odds. After enduring about ten seconds of conversation with Andy, Jim asks for some music. Andy is only too happy to oblige by singing Jim some "Drift Away" a capella. Jim clarifies. "A CD? Or...a CD?" "Beer me that disk," Andy agrees, pointing to a mix his girlfriend made him. Upon exiting the car at the school, Jim rolls his eyes and prays, "Lord, beer me strength."
In the crowded hallway between classes, Andy suddenly wonders why his girlfriend is there. "The teacher in the white?" Jim asks. No, Andy's referring to the girl in the green hoodie currently opening her locker. Oh, no no no. I think Andy's in danger of getting beered a prison sentence.
At the office, Michael puts Dwight in charge of making the place look nice. "Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage!" Dwight barks. "Pam, run a comb through your hair." And then he THs that you put the best-looking beets in the front when you're selling them by the side of the road. I'm sure Pam, Ryan, and Karen will appreciate being compared to "money beets." Meanwhile, he slides the ficus over to block the view of Phyllis and Stanley. The media shows up, in the form of an aging, schlubby human-interest columnist/obit writer from the Scranton Times, and Dwight gives him his credentials and shuts him in the conference room.