Michael has what looks like a cold sore, so Dwight takes on the role of the Ghost of Michael's Girlfriends Past so Michael can notify all of them that he has herpes. Which is bad enough, but after Holly blows off their relationship as a "fling," Michael also finds himself playing the John Cusack part in High Fidelity, quizzing everyone from Jan to Carol to Pam's mom about whether he remembers their relationships as being more than they were. Michael's conclusion: yes, in every case except Holly's. I could have told him that.
Meredith is, of course, the office's authority on herpes, which lets her in for some pretty catty criticism. Andy sees this as a chance to show off some of the mad skills he learned as a Resident Advisor in college (whatever school it was he went to), while trying to divine whether Erin and Gabe are Doing It. When signs point to yes, Andy forgets all the mad skills he learned in anger management training, in a pretty spectacular way.
Finally, Michael talks to the one sexual partner he almost forgot: Oscar.
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Dwight has apparently been picking up "day laborers" (read: the guys who hang around in the mornings waiting for work), telling them he'll pay them at 6:00 and then having Mose drive them to Harrisburg at 5:45 and telling them it's Canada. The ones who speak Spanish now know better, but a guy whose Spanish is worse than Dwight's -- because he's "secretly" Anglo -- is eager to step up. Back at the office, it turns out that the "do or die" project Dwight has assigned him is to deal with a hornet's nest next to the parking lot. And if he doesn't? He dies. "When did the phrase 'do or die' become so corrupted?" Dwight wonders. Everyone watches out the conference room window in horror as the poor guy tries to choose from the tools Dwight left him to deal with the problem. Blowtorch? Bow and arrow? Baseball bat? We don't see how it ultimately plays out, but it's quickly apparent that the baseball bat was the wrong choice.
Michael enters wearing a fake mustache, trying to act all mysterious about it, but when it falls off into his coffee, it reveals a giant red sore on his lip. He tries to claim it's a pimple, and when Phyllis says that's not it, Michael wonders if it's cancer. Pam quickly nips that in the bud, and does a quick talking-head to say, "It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town." Meredith tells him it's a cold sore, which means herpes, which lots of people she knows has, including, of course, herself. Creed says he's never seen it on her, and she says that's because it's on her genitals. "You have a penis?" Kevin asks. Andy brings up whether Michael's been tested for STDs, which gets derailed into a discussion about just how long it's been since Michael's last physical. It was when he was 40, but we can't seem to settle on a final sum. Alone in his office, Michael covers it with a Band-Aid.
"Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?" Kelly requests in the break room later. Of course they can. Andy tries to keep it mature and respectful, drawing on his experience as an RA in college, but the discussion ends abruptly when Meredith enters and Angela leaves, holding her breath. Of more concern is that fact that Andy is clearly not himself, having passed up the best chance he ever had to remind everyone that he went to Cornell.
Dwight's now in Michael's office, trying to get him to notify Holly "that she is crawling with herpes." He tells Michael to contact every woman's he's been with, but Michael resists. Dwight explains in a TH that although he's not a doctor, he believes it's the duty of anyone who gets an STD to contact all of their sexual partners, find out who gave it to them, and exact revenge. Again, he's not a doctor; "I'm just a guy who really likes revenge."