When Dwight takes it upon himself to throw a fire drill -- complete with actual fire -- the ensuing panic stops Stanley's heart and gets both Dwight and Michael in a heap of trouble with Corporate. Michael replaces Dwight as safety officer, but that doesn't stop Dwight from turning a CPR lesson into a macabre nightmare. Now that Dwight has two strikes and Stanley's in a condition where stress is life-threatening, Michael tries to help everyone relax -- only to discover that just being around him stresses people out. So he comes up with a classic Michael solution: having a roast for himself: Of course he can't actually take the jokes, and goes through a brief but tragic emo phase before returning to the office and roasting everyone back. The laughter and applause he earns is, as one would expect, more than enough to cure what ails him. And, he thinks, what ails Stanley, too.
In other news, Pam's parents are going through a rough patch, and her dad is staying at their place. They discuss the issue while watching a bootleg film (an overwrought romance in which Jack Black dumps Jessica Alba for Cloris Leachman) with Andy, who takes their completely unrelated conversation as an indication that they are film geniuses. Pam makes the mistake of asking Jim to talk to her dad, and the next thing you know, the elder Beeslys are splitsville. Jim has no idea what he said, but when Pam says that it's because her dad never loved his mom as much as Jim told him he loves Pam, he's out of trouble in a hurry. Aw. It's a rare man who loves his fiancĂŠe enough to split up her parents.
When Pam gets up from reception, Dwight goes into action. He pulls a can of lighter fluid and a rag from his desk drawer, then steps into the back hallway. Where he closes the door behind him, breaks the key in the lock, uses a blowtorch to heat up the door handle, and drives wooden shims under the door. Then he lights up the contents of a trash can. All so people will learn more about fire safety than they did from his PowerPoint presentation last week. "PowerPoint is boring," he says. Well, this won't be.
"Does anyone smell anything smoky?" he asks once he's back at his desk and clouds of smoke are billowing into the bullpen. Everyone's pretty slow to notice, and even Pam, the one with the best view, doesn't see the smoke until Dwight clears his throat at her several times. Everyone starts to freak out, especially Michael. "Stay fucking calm!" he screams. After they try all the doors and figure out that they're trapped, Michael orders, "Everyone for himself!" as a full-blown panic erupts. Angela retrieves a goddamn giant cat from a bottom file cabinet drawer while Oscar climbs up on his desk and into the suspended ceiling. "Stay alive! I'm going for help!" He tells Angela, refusing to pull her up with him. "Save Bandit!" she cries, and hurls the beast up, only to watch it crash through the ceiling a couple of tiles further down. That is one pissed kitty. Amid all the mayhem, Dwight is trying to quiz everyone on proper procedures. Michael uses a chair to try to smash through the conference room window. Kevin has better luck smashing into the vending machine. Just to amp things up a little, Dwight lights a string of ladyfingers. "The fire's shooting at us!" Andy screams. Dwight pulls the fire alarm, kicking things up a few more notches. "I am not dying here," Jim vows, and gets Creed to help him use the copier to try to batter a door open. Everyone's screaming, the place is filled with smoke, and Dwight finally announces that it's all a simulation. Stanley picks this moment to collapse, so suddenly everyone has something else to worry about. ""Barack is president! You are black, Stanley!" Michael screams, and nearly kills Stanley with his efforts to save him.
Now this is a credits sequence, with the whole damn cast in there and then some (the "and then some" being B.J. Novak, of course).
After that's over, Dwight and Michael have apparently been called right to Corporate to answer for this in front of David Wallace and some other dude. Possibly even Mr. Dunder or Mr. Mifflin. Dwight is unrepentant, since nobody died and Stanley should be released from the hospital soon. Michael's also in trouble for letting this happen, so he's going to great pains to associate himself with the angry bosses instead of the people in the doghouse. After moving to the other side of the table, he suggests stripping Dwight of his Safety Officer title and forcing him to donate part of his salary to a charity Dwight hates. "PETA," Dwight mutters. Wallace isn't going to let Michael off the hook so easily. To his credit, neither is Michael.