The Office

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Out of the Fire and Into the Roast

Next is Kelly, who has a list of people she would make out with before Michael. "A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a wood chipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort." This is turning into a great evening for Kevin. "You ran over me with your car," says Meredith. Rimshot. "You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with the caption, 'Gross.'" You are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget." The end. Oscar fails to make Michael cry, probably because he's ranting in Spanish. Michael denies Toby his turn, saying, "Friends only!" Toby shrugs and returns to his seat. Jim produces a list of Michaelisms, like "Spiderface," as in "Cut off your nose to Spiderface." Jim is clearly holding back. When Dwight's turn comes, and he leaps to Michael's defense, while Michael just calls him an idiot for not getting it. And for the first time ever, Dwight loses it on Michael: "Don't you ever talk to me that way, you pathetic short little man. You don't have any friends or any family or any land." And so Dwight ends up getting the biggest cheer of the night. Pam asks to talk to them for a moment about a serious issue: "Once an hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott." Big laugh. "He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses." Dwight's getting into it now, and Michael's starting to feel the sting a bit. I'm reminded of a line that shows up in a surprising number of my son's Curious George books: "Soon the fun was gone." Pam's final line goes for Michael's groin, literally: "One time I walked in on him naked...andhisthingissosmall!" She's halfway back to her seat when Kevin supplies the obligatory, "How small is it?" "If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!" Pam says. Ouuuch. Michael takes a moment to remind everyone that it's customary to say something nice at the end of the roast. You know, just for form's sake. Next comes Darrell, who says that Michael likes to say everyone at Dunder Mifflin is a family. And he stumps Michael by asking him the name of one of the warehouse employees. Which turns out to be Michael. Andy's roast is of course in musical format, as he plays the guitar and sings "What I Hate About You" to a familiar tune by the Romantics. After finishing, he yields the mic to Michael, who starts by defending himself, not least of all in regards to the size of his thing. He tries to begin his own prepared speech, but it looks like Oscar has succeeded after all. Finally Michael stumbles off the stage, looking like he's racing to the bathroom.

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The Office

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