The Office
Survivor Man

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Survivor Man

In the woods -- or, I'm sorry, Into The Wild, as Dwight intones (you know he fuckin' loved that movie and has at least fifteen bullet points as to how he would have avoided Emile Hirsch's fate) -- Dwight leads a still-blindfolded Michael past the "bushes and thickets" of the least dense forestry I have ever seen. Hardcore!

Office. Jim and Oscar are talking shop, then Jim points out the memo he sent out (on official "memo" paper, oh Jim) about the birthdays. Oscar's like, "Oh...great. This way we get them all out of the way at once." Oscar's not wrong, that is bullshit. Everyone deserves to have their birthday recognized individually, not in some crappy mid-September group celebration just because their birthday happens to fall during the summer months, not that I'm at all still holding on to anything from my school days. So Jim walks away thinking his idea is awesome while Oscar gives the camera the "...douche" eyes.

Woods. Dwight has finally reached a spot where there are some trees, and he tries to spin Michael around to confuse his sense of direction, but Michael is resistant. He gives Michael duct tape and a hug, and then runs off, leaving Michael to the "elements."

Office. Meredith approaches Jim and requests Devil's Food cake for the mondo-birthday bash. Jim's all, "Totally!" "Wow, that was easy," smirks Pam, and the really distressing thing is that Jim totally hasn't caught on to the fact that Pam is mocking him out, which is the most Michael thing about him, in an episode where he does a lot of Michael-like things. So Creed taps on the break room window and calls Jim aside for a private conference. Said private conference is filmed in super-close-up, with both Creed and Jim being very staccato-voiced, like this is Jimmy Cagney movie or something. It's awesome. Creed doesn't want Devil's Food, he wants pie, peach pie, see? And he doesn't care who Jim needs to talk to to make that happen. Jim: "It'll be Angela." Creed: "You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means."

In addition to the documentary crew that obviously followed Michael into the woods, Michael has brought his own video camera, which he has set up on a tripod to record his wilderness musings. It's all very early-scenes-of-Blair Witch except without all the cursing and that girl everybody hated. Michael rambles about water and the position of the sun in the sky, and then he decides that it's getting too hot, so he'll have to cut his pant legs with Dwight's knife and turn them into shorts. As he hacks away at the pants that he's still wearing and hopes aloud that he doesn't nick his "corroded artery," Dwight looks on from behind a nearby tree. Dwight whisper-interviews that he will remain close by to offer Michael "unseen moral support" but no actual help. "I will let harm befall him," Dwight says, intensely, "I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity." Cut to Michael, in his newly-forged dress shorts, explaining how his excess clothes can be used for multiple purposes. Such as...repurposing as a kerchief. Awesome.

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The Office




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