Dwight opens the doors to the store, and he and Erin try to act like the dozen or so people wandering in constitute a stampede. Once everyone's in, Kathy chats up a gross, obese blogger who looks like he has halitosis. The interesting thing about this moment is that we learn that she was being subtle with Jim last week. Erin talks to another blogger and mispronounces the words Zooey, Deschanel, and Coachella.
Up in Scranton, the other employees are trying to convince Andy to call the police, but he's resisting, and Pam's backing him up, acting all street and chanting their ZIP code like it's a gang name. We get a little moment that reminds us what we used to like about Darryl, as he corrects that you need to use the nine-digit ZIP to give it real cred. Andy decides that a better way to make the employees feel safe is to have Toby teach self-defense. Toby's happy to be asked. "I'll go put on my cup!"
Jim's on his phone to Pam, which, since he's not using the Sabre phone at his belt, makes him a sweet target for a failblogger to photograph. In the back room, Nellie and Dwight chew him out and order him to "Surrender the tri-pack. You know what you have to do." Jim shakes his head in horror, but the next thing we see is him outside, twirling the Grand Opening sign.
Dwight spots a small group of geezers wandering in and enlists Erin to chase them out. No olds allowed!
Toby's in the conference room, starting with the basics: "Strike, Scream, Run." Creed tries it out, smacking Meredith upside the head, yelping and exiting at high speed. Toby goes on to say that it's all about the groin, but Andy's suddenly very curious about how to deal with someone smaller, who has no groin. "Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?" Oscar wonders. Andy keeps "subtly" trying to learn about how to fight off a tween girl, and fortunately for him Toby gets even louder groans by pitching his latest Chad Flenderman novel. Then Toby has them all stand up and practice palm-strikes to the chin. Everyone directs the practice strikes upward, with the notable exception of Andy.
Dwight introduces Kathy to "Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired Magazine." "Patty Grossman, I'm a woman," the freelancer corrects. But she still writes for Wired, so that's all Dwight cares about. Also, she might just dig Kathy too.
Ryan has just finished trying out his presentation on Jim and Dwight, the former of whom gently observes that Ryan's a little nervous. In fact, it looks like the pants-shitting Ryan promised early will be done by Ryan himself. "I wish Kelly were here," Ryan whines. "She always knows exactly what to say." Dwight giggles and flatters like he thinks Kelly would, and Ryan happily slips into the role-playing, belittling Dwight-Kelly like he does with the real thing. Then Jim has to play the part of Ryan's mom, which seems to go fine as long as he keeps calling Ryan "sweetie." But when he uses the word "fix," Ryan freaks out and demands a yellow or green sports drink from a store. Dwight dispatches Jim to fetch it.