The Office

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M. Giant: A | 1 USERS: A+
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Dwight seems offended at watching Jim and Pam talk to their clients on the phone about their baby , especially when it seems to translate into sales. "You need to come by your sales honorably!" he protests. Pam reasonably says it's not dishonorable to talk about your life; "People like it." Dwight decides to give it a try, and then we see him talking to a client about Mose's goat-fungus. "I need a baby," he talking-heads, saying it's the only way he can compete with Jim and Pam. "Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd." That may not mean what he thinks it means, as we'll see later. To our unending horror.

Kevin explains how he and Pam have been getting hungry at the same time, so they've been sharing a few meals -- just "second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner." Because they're hobbits now, apparently. Pam has a mild contraction right there at the table with Kevin just as he's suggesting they finish up their tradition with an "ultrafeast," but as Jim explains, "We're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO." She says she gets an extra day in the hospital if they check in after midnight, and Jim makes a lame joke about the baby's still-unknown gender that she's so tired of I'm not even recapping it.

Michael comes rushing out of his office in his coat, all excited about driving Jim and Pam to the hospital now that she's having "contraptions." He even put diesel in the car and has baby-proofed the office and everything, which is where he thinks the baby was conceived. Jim sets him straight: "Burning Man, Porta-Potty." Jim and Pam explain to everyone about wanting to hold off until midnight, and Nick the IT guy makes a joke about not waiting until the kid turns into a teenager in there. Michael meanly calls him a nerd, and Nick looks to Angela for sympathy, who of course has none. "Nerd," Dwight adds. Wow, what a terrible idea to piss off an IT guy.

Kelly's heard all kinds of labor horror stories, and is even doing some really bloody internet research. Worst of all: "Sometimes you poop yourself!"

Out of nowhere in the break room, Dwight intones to Angela without looking at her, "Bear my child." He tells her to say nothing if she agrees. She says nothing. "Very well. Let's meet in our old meeting spot and bang it out." He leaves Angela almost smiling to herself. Isn't it romantic?

Pam's contractions are seven minutes apart, but she is still holding off. And Jim is getting so nervous about this he's resorting to a football metaphor in his TH.

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The Office

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