Pam's in labor, but she's also in denial. Even though her contractions are only a few minutes apart, she's refusing to go to the hospital, ostensibly for insurance reasons but really because she's scared shitless. The coworkers make their best efforts to distract Pam while Jim gets increasingly freaked out. And when the expectant parents finally do make it out of the office, Pam unwisely -- okay, idiotically -- sends Dwight to their house for her iPod. Pam has a very long labor in the hospital while Dwight rips out their kitchen cabinets to clear out the mold he found. Meanwhile, back at the office, Michael is looking to repeat what he sees as his matchmaking success with Jim and Pam, and sets up Erin and Kevin. That goes as well as expected.
Another couple not hitting it off: little Cecilia Marie Halpert and her mom's boob. Things briefly take a turn for the better on that front during the night, and then a turn for the much, much worse. It's a long story, so check back for that.
In addition to unsolicited home renovation, Dwight has also been busy negotiating a contract with Angela to bear his child. Which, beyond the base-line horror of what that entails, looks like it'll get further complicated after he asks Pam's friend Isobel out again and she says yes. I mean, Isobel's pretty and all, but she's clearly got some kind of severe brain damage.
In the end, Andy asks Erin out and Cecilia latches on, so everything is where it's supposed to be. Except for the Halperts' kitchen and Dwight's jellies (the latter in more ways than one. Shudder).
Dwight seems offended at watching Jim and Pam talk to their clients on the phone about their baby , especially when it seems to translate into sales. "You need to come by your sales honorably!" he protests. Pam reasonably says it's not dishonorable to talk about your life; "People like it." Dwight decides to give it a try, and then we see him talking to a client about Mose's goat-fungus. "I need a baby," he talking-heads, saying it's the only way he can compete with Jim and Pam. "Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd." That may not mean what he thinks it means, as we'll see later. To our unending horror.
Kevin explains how he and Pam have been getting hungry at the same time, so they've been sharing a few meals -- just "second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner." Because they're hobbits now, apparently. Pam has a mild contraction right there at the table with Kevin just as he's suggesting they finish up their tradition with an "ultrafeast," but as Jim explains, "We're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO." She says she gets an extra day in the hospital if they check in after midnight, and Jim makes a lame joke about the baby's still-unknown gender that she's so tired of I'm not even recapping it.
Michael comes rushing out of his office in his coat, all excited about driving Jim and Pam to the hospital now that she's having "contraptions." He even put diesel in the car and has baby-proofed the office and everything, which is where he thinks the baby was conceived. Jim sets him straight: "Burning Man, Porta-Potty." Jim and Pam explain to everyone about wanting to hold off until midnight, and Nick the IT guy makes a joke about not waiting until the kid turns into a teenager in there. Michael meanly calls him a nerd, and Nick looks to Angela for sympathy, who of course has none. "Nerd," Dwight adds. Wow, what a terrible idea to piss off an IT guy.
Kelly's heard all kinds of labor horror stories, and is even doing some really bloody internet research. Worst of all: "Sometimes you poop yourself!"
Out of nowhere in the break room, Dwight intones to Angela without looking at her, "Bear my child." He tells her to say nothing if she agrees. She says nothing. "Very well. Let's meet in our old meeting spot and bang it out." He leaves Angela almost smiling to herself. Isn't it romantic?
Pam's contractions are seven minutes apart, but she is still holding off. And Jim is getting so nervous about this he's resorting to a football metaphor in his TH.