Michael goes over to Jan and asks how she could have stolen his diary, or even known he had one. "You keep it under my side of the mattress," she says. Michael says he doesn't like the lump. Jan says she -- nay, they -- need to win this case, and she also figures a stolen diary cancels out emailing her topless Jamaica photo around the company. They exchange clipped, no-eye-contact "I love you"s.
Back in the deposition, the lawyers are trying to clear up who this "Ryan" woman is, who Michael describes as hot, but in a different way than Jan. Jan's lawyer wants to keep things focused on Michael's relationship with Jan, not with "this Ryan person." Toby breaks out giggling, because: come on. That's funny. Michael manages to gather up all his lucidity and gravitas and says that while he considered Jan his girlfriend after Jamaica, Jan clearly didn't consider him her boyfriend, and that puts her in the right, businesswise. The eagerness with which Michael is serving up his dignity on a platter is both sad and unlikely to stop at just this scene. Diane patronizes that it's "admirable" that Michael would defend a woman who is "so obviously ambivalent" about her feelings toward him. Ouch. Diane also mentions all the poor performance reviews Jan gave him, which Michael excuses away by saying Jan was going through a divorce and "drinking a lot...of water." Okay, this has all become excruciatingly, painfully, unamusingly hard to watch, so here's where I start skimming, because who wants to feel quite this shitty on a Thursday night? So Diane makes Michael read a scathingly negative performance review Jan wrote about him after they has begun dating, and Jan looks guilty and embarrassed and Michael looks humiliated, and Diane forces Michael to answer whether he thinks, in light of this, Jan's judgment is flawed. In other words: is your girlfriend wrong or are you truly that terrible? I want to jump out the window of a high building. The commercials mercifully take us away from this misery.
Back at Scranton, Dwight's Pong Clinic continues. Jim's developed a "spin serve" but Dwight's still smashing winners past him. Still, he thinks he's ready for Darryl, and Pam makes the call. Dwight's like, "Darryl? Darryl is the big client? Darryl works here, dumbass!" Ha! Jim's like, "Riiiight..." Hee. Dwight smashes one last winner before exiting in disgust.
Deposition of Suicide-Inducing Depression. Michael asks Jan how she could do this to him, but she wants him to view Dunder Mifflin as the enemy, not her. He says Dunder Mifflin has always been loyal to him, even offering him Jan's job, and he should have taken it. Jan's all, "Not so fast," and produces David Wallace's deposition in which he's repeatedly asked whether Michael was a serious candidate for Jan's job, and David repeatedly non-answers that Michael is a "nice guy" before finally admitting that Michael was never in the running for that job. David, in the room now, looks guilty and sad that Michael had to hear that. So now Jan's lawyer asks Michael if Dunder Mifflin indeed exhibits a pattern of disrespect towards its employees. In other words: is the company wrong or are you truly that terrible? I want to open my veins with a butter knife. Michael finally answers that Dunder Mifflin has "absolutely not" behaved unduly towards him. That's an awful thing to hear someone admit, and Michael looks like he's about to throw up or cry. It makes sense, though: he's been in his weird, mutually self-destructive relationship with Dunder Mifflin longer than he's been in his weird, mutually self-destructive relationship with Jan.