In his office, Michael practices writing his name in different ways. No, really. Like on the back of a history notebook. One of the signatures, he says, represents "the duality of man." He certainly does know how to invite a "duality of my butt" joke. Pam knocks on the window and says maybe he could practice on the things he has to sign.
Jim quizzes Dwight about which specific asses, within the office, he could kick. "No women or children unless provoked," Dwight says. Could he beat down Roy? "Warehouse guy," Dwight says. "Doesn't count." Michael is passing, as it happens, so Jim asks if Dwight could beat Michael up. Michael says there's no way. "Because we're friends," Dwight clarifies deferentially. "Because I would kick his ass," Michael insists. "Well," Jim foments, "Dwight's a purple belt, so." Michael says he's beaten up black belts. And how did he know they were black belts? "Because they told me...after," he says. He adds that he used to run with "street fighters" and he's just lucky to have gotten out. I think he meant to say that he ran from street fighters.
Ryan asks Toby if his wife is still his emergency contact. Toby says she's his ex-wife, and she has a different last name, but yes, she's still the contact. Aw. He then tells Ryan he doesn't need to add "ex" in front of "wife." AW! Who would divorce Toby? All he wants is to avoid trouble.
Michael finishes a story about how "nobody ever messed with the Damn Rascals again." Jim loved this story, whatever it was. You can tell. "Sounds tough," Jim says. "When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, huh?" he says, throwing in a couple of snaps. Heh. Michael looks baffled.
Pam moves the files Michael needs to sign onto the center of his desk.
As Michael is about to head into his office, he stops and puts Dwight in a headlock. A titty-twister seems likely. He holds Dwight, continuing to taunt and laugh. Michael THs, as the staff looks on at his junkyard-dog-ness, that while everyone in the office is his friend, sometimes your friends get lazy, so it's good to let them know you could beat them up if you absolutely had to. Along these same lines, he asks Jim to hit him. Jim declines: "I just got a manicure, so." "Oh, QUEER!" Michael yells. And then he looks at the camera and adds, "...Eye. Queer Eye. That's a good show. Important show." Michael loves the gays, as well as other minorities. Jim goads Michael into telling Dwight to punch him instead. Michael refuses, saying that wouldn't do much, with all the fourteen-year-old girls he already knows. Jim, predictably, asks for clarification on those fourteen-year-old girls. Michael calls out Dwight for crying during Armageddon, and that does it, so Dwight stands, readies himself, and double-punches Michael right in the solar plexus. "FUUUUUU...," Michael groans intensely. Michael hobbles into his office through a door opened for him by Jim. Dwight THs that he comes from fighters -- his grandfather was in World War II, and his father "battled blood pressure and obesity all his life."