Jim and Pam are back from their honeymoon, and the first thing Michael does is tell Jim he's dating Pam's mom. After getting over the initial skepticism and horror, Jim tells Michael to keep it quiet and end it immediately. But Michael can't do the first part, let alone the second, and when Pam finds out, she has a total "Luke, I am your father" moment. Actually, that's pretty much her whole day, as she proceeds to lose her entire freaking mind over this. And you can imagine Jim's discomfort, as he's caught between his new wife and his new co-boss in what turns into some pretty ugly arguing. So he's in no mood whatsoever to put up with Dwight's weak attempt to bug his office. After playing Dwight for a disappointingly short period of time, Jim punishes him by making him wash their car, which cheers Pam up quite a bit. But Jim doesn't know that there's been a real listening device in there all along, capturing all his boring sales conversations. Diabolical.
Jim and Pam are back from Puerto Rico, and there's the expected overinvested reaction from everyone to their return. They do a joint talking-head about Frank and Benny, another couple they met on vacation. They tell us that it always makes them laugh to say "Frank and Beans!" in a funny voice. That's going to be put to the test, I'll tell you right now.
Michael comes out of his office wearing sunglasses, pretending to be blind. Jim and Pam play along patiently, but only because Michael doesn't push it too far by groping Pam's boobs. He just gropes Jim's. He THs in his office about his new improv character, "Blind Guy McSqueezy." Apparently the women in the class hate him. I think that makes Michael Andy Kaufman.
Meredith asks Pam what she brought them, and isn't satisfied with candy. "Oh, because you spent so much on the wedding," Meredith snarks. "It's good to be home," Pam tells us.
Dwight comes to visit Jim's office, first to bitch about Jim leaving a pen on his desk and to stick it in Jim's pen holder, but really to present Jim with a peace offering: a wooden duck decoy. Actually it's a mallard, as Dwight will be correcting people throughout the episode, but I'm just going to take care of that right now and you can just assume it happens at every opportunity for the rest of the half hour. Dwight lets us in on a little secret: there's a "listening device" stuck in the bottom of the mallard. It's a baby monitor, actually. He sets it on Jim's desk, apologizing for "bugging" him all these years.
Pam tries to place her container of Puerto Rican candy on the reception desk, but Erin won't accept it before checking with Michael.
In the kitchen, Michael breaks some news to Jim about how he's taken a lover. Pam's mom, of course. So that's still going on, apparently. "From the wedding?" Michael reminds Jim, as though he doesn't know who his mother-in-law is. Jim thinks Michael's messing with him, until Michael tells him what kind of car she drives (with seats that go all the way down), and Jim lets out a bleep/blurred curse. He's horrified, obviously. "First of all, never tell Pam," he says. But he never gets to the second item before Michael says it may come out when they tell Pam that night over dinner. Poor Toby happens to come in at the wrong time and gets yelled at by both of them. "What'd I do?" he mutters to himself, exiting with his tail even further between his legs than usual. Jim tells Michael to cancel dinner and never see Pam's mom again. Michael thinks Pam wants him to be happy more than anything. "Not more than anything," Jim insists. But Michael gives in. "Okay so we're good," Jim says, walking stiffly out. As though it's ever that easy.