The Office

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Cleanup on Aisle Five

Cut to Scarn's bedroom (which looks a lot like Michael's bedroom in his condo). His butler, Samuel (played by Dwight) enters with a breakfast tray to wake him up. Dwight THs about playing the robot butler, although Michael THs, "Dwight does not play a robot." Back in the movie, Samuel wakes up Michael (and the bottle of JD he was cuddling) to tell him the president needs him for a mission. When Scarn groggily protests, Samuel tells him, "It's Goldenface." Scarn rasps, "This makes it personal." You know, the camerawork in this pretty movie is actually pretty decent. Where did Michael ever find people who knew how to shoot?

Cut to a tiny Oval Office set (actually the conference room), where Darryl is playing the president. If Michael was shooting this for five years, why is Darryl without the goatee he's always had until just last week? In the present day, Darryl THs, "I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as president, even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time." President Darryl tells Scarn and Samuel that Goldenface has hidden a bomb in the stadium where the NHL all-star game is happening, and taken all the concessions staff hostage to boot. The POTUS is particularly motivated to resolve this crisis because he owns the stadium. Michael flips a coin to decide, "Best out of seven." Michael's editing cranks up the suspense as much as possible considering we're watching a series of coin flips, until the last one comes up heads. "Looks like there's gonna be a cleanup in aisle five," he says. Big round of applause.

After the ads, we get to meet the hostages, who include Kelly, Kevin, Toby, Pam, and Roy (who doesn't get any lines and who I totally missed on first viewing, but luckily Wing Chun bailed me out). They're all wearing aprons and sitting in the warehouse surrounded by curling rocks. Nice touch, Michael. Or maybe they're just in the basement under the Scranton ice rink. Oh well, either way. The hostage played by Kevin says nobody's coming, and there's a dramatic swivel-chair reveal of a sinister man in a black suit holding a gold-plated gun, wearing a gold tie, gold pocket square, and gold face-paint. This would be Goldenface, played by Jim. Goldenface announces his plan to lure Scarn there, kill everyone, dig up his dead wife, and "hump her real good." Jim explains to us in a TH, "I took the role to impress a receptionist, who will remain nameless." Yes, that would be embarrassing for her. Or him.

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The Office

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