The Office

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M. Giant: A- | Grade It Now!
Cleanup on Aisle Five

Back in the movie, Scarn's at the piano while Jasmine is singing gibberish (even more than Jan usually does). He's confused until he records it on a Dictaphone, then plays the tape backwards to hear her singing, "The hostages are under the stadium." Clever, and completely nonsensical. Just then a guy in the wings (it's actually Hide from the warehouse) shoots Jan in the throat with a blowdart, and she flops over on her back with her face in Scarn's. "Check, please," Scarn quips.

Meanwhile, Goldenface shoots his first hostage: Toby. The movie shows his papier-mâché head blow apart from like six different angles. Michael admits that was the most expensive shot in the movie (which I don't believe for a minute), but "It was intrergral [sic] to the story."

Scarn and Samuel burst into the basement, and Scarn's not too upset about the dead hostage. "That man was a wanted animal-rapist," he informs Goldenface. Samuel demands to know where the bomb is, and Goldenface makes him repeat it like three times, just because Jim was messing with Dwight (and Michael apparently kept it in the final cut). Goldenface tosses the puck (which he says contains the bomb) to Scarn, and says he's going to kill him, "Unless you forgive me for murdering your wife." Michael looks at the puck and sees flashbacks of happier times with his wife...well, obviously those flashbacks only show himself. He spits at Goldenface, "Go puck yourself." He throws it back at Goldenface, who ducks and raises his golden gun. Samuel shouts "No!" and jumps in front of the bullet. "That was not scripted," Michael THs. Goldenface fires again, and the screen goes black.

But not for a commercial this time! Fade back up to an extreme close-up on a nurse's deep cleavage. "Oh God," Pam bursts out, recognizing her mom. Then she quickly turns back to Michael and adds. "So good." Scarn tells Nurse Helene, "It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn." She leans in and says they need to make sure everything's working properly. Fade out on Scarn's EKG going nuts. Good thing his brief relationship with Helene coincided with the shooting of that pivotal scene.

Back to the White House, where a fully recovered Scarn and Samuel have just reported that the bomb is hidden in the puck. "Is that where you hid the bomb, Goldenface?" the president says loudly. Enter Goldenface and his minion! In a shocking plot twist, the president is in on the plan to blow up the stadium for the insurance money! Of course Scarn knew it all along. But how is he going to get away from three men who are aiming machine guns at him? In a heart-tapping moment of glacially-paced action, he breaks the portrait of Lincoln over the president's head (Darryl leans forward accommodatingly), and they run out of the conference room Oval Office just as Goldenface and his minion open fire.

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The Office




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