The Osbournes
Angler Management

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Fishing With Oz

Ozzy is sitting in a hotel room somewhere with a couple of guys. He tells a story about how he was in Fiji snorkeling in a lagoon with some dude. He taps the dude, and the guy takes off like he's seen something. So Ozzy starts swimming "like an outboard motor" and doesn't stop until he's halfway up the beach. And then he says to the guy, "What'd you see, man?" And the guy says, "Something touched me." And Ozzy says, "That was me, you fucking asshole." Everyone laughs really hard, like they're getting paid by Ozzy.

Credits. The episode is called "Angler Management." Someone needs a vacation. And it isn't only me.

House. Day. Ozzy is eating something and he tells the camera that the fam is going sea fishing tomorrow. He tells the camera crew that they should come along. "We need some bait," Ozzy deadpans. The crew cracks the fuck up. Way to stay behind the scenes, dudes. Ozzy eats some fruit.

Ozzy's sitting with some dude -- we'll call him The Doctor, because he looks like one. Doctor says that there aren't a lot of big fish around right now, except for halibut. He tries to remember the name of some big fish with teeth that bite you on the ass, but he can't come up with it. Maybe he's been taking some of Ozzy's meds, too. Ozzy then tells us that ever since he had Jack seventeen years ago, he's been waiting to take him fishing. He says this is his fifth attempt. We then learn the reason for that, and perhaps the reason for some of Jack's "issues" -- Jack makes his dad promise that at the last minute he's not going to back out and say, "No no no no. We're not going today." Man, Ozzy has already become a prototypical American father -- lamenting some missed opportunity for bonding when in truth he was the one who flaked over and over. Not that I have issues or anything. Jack makes Ozzy shake on it -- and he for some reason shakes with Doctor as well, like he's flaked on Doc over the years. Which he probably has.

Jack's room. Jack listens to loud music and plays a video game as Ozzy comes in and asks if he's psyched about the fishing trip tomorrow. Jack says that he's "so excited." Jack says that "Tony" is going to come -- which could be Bitch Boy or could be one of Jack's friends named Tony. Or it could be a hand puppet they've named "Tony," when you think about it. Ozzy says that if anyone gets seasick, too bad, because they're not turning the boat around like they've done in the past. Ah, so that's the story Ozzy's sticking with. "Seasick."

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The Osbournes

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