The Osbournes
Bark At The Moon

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Frodo battles pee!

So it looks like our show is a hit. Sure, The Shield, that Chiklis opus over on FX, beat its debut rating, but still, for an MTV premiere, The Osbournes did brilliantly, pulling a 2.8. Well, in this, its second episode, it pulled a 3.2. Shows generally don't go up in their second week. The power of Ozzy, once again on display.

(A tiny side note: VH1 is on mute in the background playing Blues Brothers 2000. Right now John Goodman is green and there's a kid playing congas and a trumpet player and shit. This looks, literally, like it might just be the worst movie ever made. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.)

God, when are they going to start captioning this show? All right, let's go.

Sharon asks who knows how to make the vacuum cleaner work and Ozzy, wearing an Adidas shirt, dodders over, mumbling that you just have to turn it on and make it work. A dog yips. A dog is always yipping somewhere. Ozzy bends and twists the vacuum but can't figure it out, no fucking clue what he's doing; Kelly babbles in the background about how funny that Sharon is actually going to do some vacuuming. They think they have it figured out, but both say, "No." Finally, Kelly asks, snotty, as always, "Would you like me to show you how it works?" She first asks if they plugged it in. Hee. She then says that you just step on this thing and it's supposed to work; it doesn't. After Ozzy tries to push something that isn't even a button, he gives up to go get his seventeenth Diet Coke of the day. (I'm nearly caught up with you today, Ozzy.) Kelly wonders how none of them can figure out the vacuum as there is more yipping. Lord, little dog yipping is annoying. Finally Kelly hits the right button and brats off, as if she was any less clueless about it than her parents were. Ozzy mutters in the distance as Sharon does a happy dance, and then starts vacuuming…as if she has any idea what she's doing vacuuming in the first place.

Ozzy says he fucking hates the sound of the vacuum cleaner. My cat does a silent scream whenever I bust out the vacuum and runs as fast as she can. Although my cat is pretty much afraid of everything. An unexpected encounter with a lizard in my bedroom a year ago sent her off the deep end for good. Sharon vacuums everything, even the ottoman. Finally, Ozzy shouts, "Turn the fucking thing off, it's driving me mad, man!" And…scene.

Opening. Sharon. Jack. Kelly. Ozzy. The fam. What a great opening.

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The Osbournes

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