The Osbournes
Bark At The Moon

Episode Report Card
Stee: A | Grade It Now!
Frodo battles pee!

Ozzy throws Lola off a chair. The cushion is ripped to shreds. Pip bounds off with part of the cushion. Ozzy sits on the couch, mumbling some funny thing about wasting money and people thinking they have too many dogs and "we'll throw the cat in just for fun." Ozzy looks at the ruined cushion and dodders out yelling, "Sharon!" Hee.

Jack. Walking through the living room. Sharon tells him that Lola "et the fucking chair." We see Lola, asleep, her tongue sticking out of her mouth. Lola is obviously Jack's dog and he's going to have to try to save her. Sharon says something about how they're going to have to dye Lola pink because if Ozzy comes back and sees her…after a weird, out-of-place shot where Ozzy is in the room, because I don't think he's supposed to be in here for this segment, Sharon spies an injured cat outside the back door, saying how lovely it is. Jack is pissed. Sharon says she's just housing the cat until it's well, and then she's going to give it to a cat rescue. Jack says she's going to just end up keeping it, but Sharon denies it. (I don't think this is the cat Kelly called from the pet shop about. Different timeline.) Jack says that their house is dysfunctional. "Hey, excuse me. That fucking chair is dysfunctional," Sharon responds. Hee. Pip is still eating a cushion part like it's a bone. Little retard.

Jack says that the reason his dog is dysfunctional is the same reason he himself is: because he's angry at her. "Angry at me? For what?" asks Sharon. ("Um, for sixteen years of raising me in this fucking nuthouse.") Jack says Lola knew Sharon brought another cat home, and that's why she's pissed off. Jack says Lola was fine until they got Pip and the cat. Pip keeps jumping around and shaking his head. "Shut up!" Jack yells at Pip. Hee. Poor Pip is just pissed because Sharon has stupid Minnie on her lap, feeding it out of her own food bowl -- that's why Pip is bounding around. Well, also because of his messed-up little pea brain. Jack asks if he can feed Pip to the coyotes, and Sharon says that she'd rather talk about Lola and her "one-way ticket." Poor Lola. Jack threatens Minnie. "Never never never!" sings Sharon at Minnie, saying that she feels like breaking out into song whenever she sees her. God, little dog owners like Sharon are exactly why I hate little dogs.

Ozzy comes home, and Jack starts running to try to hide Lola from his wrath. Jack instead just runs away, and Ozzy comes in with his hair up in a bun and wearing a bathrobe. He wants to see the stray cat, and Sharon says that they're trying to catch it in the cage with a can of tuna. Ozzy begins complaining about his new steam room not being as good as the old one and the shower not as strong. Sharon explains that there is a California law, and they put something in there to restrict the flow. When they "fuck off," she says, they'll break it and remove the device. Ozzy, the good environmentalist, says no, they won't break the law. (Ozzy, more likely, just doesn't want to be kicked out of America, like he's been kicked out of Texas.)

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The Osbournes




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