The Osbournes
Bark At The Moon

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Frodo battles pee!

Ozzy, his lovely drawing nearly all done, says that he can't stand to see Lola left alone. Sharon says she loves Lola (bullshit -- she wants to be rid of the mutt), and Ozzy says he does too, but Lola is trying to destroy him. They discuss the cushion with Jack, and Jack says his friend sent his dog to a Doggie Boot Camp. Ozzy wants a dog like Lassie that does tricks. He mumbles and then says, "I'm not picking up another turd. I'm a rock star." Hee. And…commercials.

Ozzy. "Animals are just like kids, they need constant attention." Lola bites the head of ceramic duck. Like father, like dog. Pip discovers the joys of bubble-wrap. Sharon, wearing an Ozzy-circa-1980 wig, lets Minnie lick her mouth. Lola. Pip. Other dogs. Lola asleep, wearing a hat and glasses, with a Sharpie between her toes. I bet Ozzy did that, too. Ozzy's seven. What with the drawings and the constant sodas. He's both seven and eighty-seven at the same time.

Sharon asks if anyone fed the dogs today. Kelly says no, that they can go without food for a day. I see she can't, as she's stuffing something into her face. Sharon asks again. "No!" brats Kelly. Kelly then comes over and tells Sharon, "My thong is so far up my crack right now, I couldn't pull it out." Lord almighty. Even Lola looks disgusted. Sharon says she'll "cut it out," and Kelly runs. Sharon then tells her that she's going to get a yeast infection. I can't believe I have to write this. Makes everything on Temptation Island 2 seem G-rated. Kelly brags that she's never had a yeast infection, and Sharon motheringly replies, "Well you fucking will, missy." Sharon doesn't know how anyone can wear those; she thinks underwear lines are sexy. Sure, in 1978. Kelly then ups the ante by informing us that Aimee, unseen (smart) daughter, wears a thong every day and right now is wearing one of Kelly's (how does she know?) which means, she helpfully explains, that it's been up her crack and now it's up Aimee's and she's not "down with that." I think I saw this exact same conversation on 7th Heaven last week.

Ozzy walks into a room, shouting, "Who pissed? Who pissed on my fucking carpet? That bastard fucking dog, man!" He shouts at the puddle of pee as if it will tell him who did it. He says he's going to throw the dog in the fucking pool and then chases Pip (?) out of the room, running almost like a sixty-year-old! Spry for Ozzy. He calls after them that they're doggie terrorists. "He's fucking part of bin Laden's gang." Hee. Goddamn.

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The Osbournes

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