The Osbournes
Bark At The Moon

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Frodo battles pee!

Ozzy holds the gay dog. Dog montage. Barking and biting. Lola keeps chasing every dog. More dog montage. Kelly plays with the little seal dog, and then one of the dogs sneezes in her hand.

Now Sharon and Kelly sit on the stairs, and Sharon camera-talks that last night they'd made the decision that Lola had to go. Kelly says, "No!" Sharon continues that last night Lola shat in two rooms. She says it was like an alien on the floor. Kelly mocks her mom as she repeats, "She has got to go." But then Sharon says Ozzy was walking down the stairs and said, "Don't get rid of Lola. I love her." Kelly can't understand how you can just get rid of a dog you love. Sharon tries to explain. "She shits aliens." (That's the name of my fourth album.) She goes on that Lola eats everything. "But she's so cute," says Kelly. Suddenly, Minnie, sitting on Sharon's lap, starts barking possessively at Kelly. Kelly says that Minnie is an evil cow who just likes all the attention. They have a stand-off as Sharon tells Kelly that the dog is about to make a leap for her nose. Minnie barks some more. Man, I hate little dogs.

Now Sharon tells Ozzy that she's having a dog therapist over. Ozzy can't understand it, telling Sharon that they don't need a therapist, that Sharon just has to get up at seven and open the fucking door. Sharon lets the dog trainer in. Her name is Tamara. She's blonde and, like, Swedish or some shit. Tamara sees all the dogs, and then when Sharon tells her that they all piss and shit on the floor except for the cat, I think she rethinks her decision to take this job. Ozzy comes in, and they meet. His solution, he says, is to take a piece of wood and whack the dog on the back of the head. Tamara laughs nervously. Now Tamara tells Ozzy that he has to be more important in the dogs' lives. Ozzy yells back. Hee. She says that the dogs are spoiled. No shit, Abba.

Jack has now come in to listen to the crazy dog trainer with the stupid accent as Ozzy complains that the bulldog is insane. Tamara thinks the dog is cute -- meanwhile, the dog is trying to eat the leg of the little seal dog. Ozzy says that Lola is destructive, and that she urinates on Jack's bed. (Dude, I think that may be Jack just blaming it on the dog. The kid has issues.) Tamara launches into an explanation that the dogs have the "wiring" of wolves; they have their needs taken care of for them but still have wiring to go hunt. "I think she's a fucking fruit loop," camera-talks Ozzy. Hee. Tamara tells a rapt Sharon that she's the leader of the dog pack. Ozzy mumbles, "I thought I saw it all but now I have a fucking dog therapist…fucking hell." Tamara teaches Lola to sit, pretending that she's doing something difficult and actually making progress, when any dog has to sit if you hold the treat up high enough in front of its eyes.

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The Osbournes

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