Now Jack is talking on the phone to Ozzy about Kelly dating this guy, Bert, the lead singer of a punk band called The Used. (I don't understand -- if they were on OzzFest as I've heard, why doesn't Sharon at least doesn't know of them more?) Instead of the normal worried dad reactions, Ozzy says, "What a fucking nerdy name is Bert." Hee. Tattletale Jack gleefully recounts that after the first week of dating, Bert told Kelly he loved her. Now Ozzy looks a little worried. So does Lola, but she just may have to throw up.
Kelly camera-talks that her "friend" Bert from The Used is coming to see her for a few weeks. Kelly talks on the phone to Bert outside Sharon's sickbed room, and Sharon teases her and then laughs as Kelly runs out of the room. Man, your poor sick mother. I don't know much about how to deal with cancer patients, but I don't think it's a good idea to tell them to "fuck off."
Kitchen. Kelly and Jack eat food while Bad Nanny does her Bad Nanny thing of just always being around while not actually providing any useful service. There is a Ozzy bobblehead on the counter near them. I want one of those. Send me one. Kelly brags that she hasn't showered in two days, and Jack gives her a high five. Kelly is tired of having a few days off -- she doesn't like it, while Jack loves not doing anything. Sadly, I'm more like Kelly in this, if in absolutely no other way. Oh, except I also can't sing. Melinda teases Kelly about Bert's puking and then asks if he's really her boyfriend now. "He is, actually," says Kelly. She tells his last name, McKracken, with a weird pride and glee. (She's in love.) Jack, looking at his food, recommends putting ice cream on one thing and then eating it. "That's such a fat kid thing to do," says Kelly. "If you hadn't noticed, I'm a fat kid," responds Jack. Kelly and Bad Nanny crack up. Now Jack reveals that Kelly and Bert recently slept in the same hotel bed. Melinda is shocked! Melinda keeps asking annoying questions. Jack plays chopsticks on a tiny little Schroeder piano until Kelly tells him she'll kill him. "I don't mess with your musical career!" says Jack. Boy, he's one fucking funny kid, man. Kelly hits him. He coughs on her. They play tug-of-war; Kelly lets go and Jack nearly falls. Fighting montage. Screaming and girl-hitting. Mostly from Jack. Finally Ozzy comes in and yells, "No fighting!" Kelly immediately runs away. Ozzy yells that this will end in tears. He sort of freaks out on them, but the minute Ozzy leaves, Kelly grabs a banana and, hopping around like my cats do when they're trying to get the others to chase them, threatens to shove it up Jack's ass. Jack responds, "There are people in Somalia who would die for a banana." Not after it was up Jack's ass, they wouldn't. Commercials.