The Osbournes
Beauty And The Bert

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Kelly and Smelly

Ozzy and Kelly are riding around in a short bus somewhere. Ozzy is complaining that "The Bone Channel" (porn) just came on in his hotel room without his asking for it. (That happened to me recently in Vegas. Not that I was complaining on moral principles, mind you -- I was glad to see the Old Lady Porn -- but when I looked at my bill, they were charging me $42.00 for two all-day porn channels that I never ordered. And then when I called up to have them take the channels and the charge off, the front desk chick totally didn't believe me. I mean, c'mon, man -- oh my God, I've become just like Ozzy.) (Oh, but also, my last phone bill had two mysterious 1-900 numbers on them made in the middle of the night, from both of our phone lines. Pac Bell took the charges off when I called, but when you put those two things together, you come up with these two explanations: Either my girlfriend is a closet porn fiend with poor monetary reasoning, or I'm a sleep-porn-watcher.) Anyway, Kelly asks if they have porn on the TV in the hotel. "Big time and full-on, babe," Ozzy says. Kelly then says she thought you had to buy the porn, and Ozzy says that you do, but -- she starts teasing him that he bought some porn, and he tries to defend himself, "I pushed the wrong button!" Hee. Kelly starts calling him a liar, making the driver of the short bus crack up. She calls him a dirty bastard, and Ozzy then asks, "What's a lonely, single man to do?" Kelly corrects him that he's not single. Oh, I get the feeling that over the years when Ozzy's out alone on the road, he's single. Opening credits.

The episode is called "Beauty and the Bert." A love song plays over shots of the garden, bees, flowers, the dogs licking each other. They pan across rocks in the garden with the family members' names on them. When they get to Aimee's, they pixelate it, but purposefully not very well. Okay, good joke.

Now in Sharon's bedroom, or some bedroom, Jack, Sharon, and Kelly lie around, with Bad Nanny hovering like she likes to do. Jack is teasing Kelly that she made out with "Pukey," the lead singer in a band. Kelly says that she's done a lot more than just kiss Pukey. Aw, why would she say that in front of her poor mother? Kelly explains that he's called that because he pukes on stage. Then Jack reveals his nickname in the band: "Cauliflower Dick." They bleep all the words so you have to parse it out. It's funnier that way. Sharon says she knows why they call him that, and then tries to figure out the word for venereal disease -- she says, "Virginial…" Hee. Kelly says she's not going out with anyone, and Sharon says, "You're damn well not going out with someone with a dick like a cauliflower." Man, that's funny. Jack, letting Lola lick him, suggests that maybe he has a deformed penis. Kelly starts feeling grossed out, and Melinda says that she could get the disease on her hands just by touching his dick. Sharon tells her she could get it just by kissing him. (Or by kissing the cauliflower. Sorry, that's gross. I know.) "For fuck's sake, Mom!" says Kelly.

Now Jack is talking on the phone to Ozzy about Kelly dating this guy, Bert, the lead singer of a punk band called The Used. (I don't understand -- if they were on OzzFest as I've heard, why doesn't Sharon at least doesn't know of them more?) Instead of the normal worried dad reactions, Ozzy says, "What a fucking nerdy name is Bert." Hee. Tattletale Jack gleefully recounts that after the first week of dating, Bert told Kelly he loved her. Now Ozzy looks a little worried. So does Lola, but she just may have to throw up.

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The Osbournes

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