The Osbournes
Beauty And The Bert

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Kelly and Smelly

Kitchen. Ozzy watches TV, as tons of random people watch over his shoulder. Who are all these people at the house all the time? Ozzy watches Two Fat Ladies or whatever that English cooking show is, totally perplexed. I thought one of them died? Hm. Anyway, the ladies are explaining about making that religious cake where you put a ring or a little baby Christ child in it. Ozzy can't change the channel, so he just walks away muttering, "That's fucking horrible." Hee.

Sharon's room. Kelly tells Sharon that she's going to go to Vegas before December and get married. Sharon says she'd love it, that it would be very exciting. I can't tell how much exactly she's kidding. Sharon wants her to get pregnant too, so that she, Sharon, can have the baby. Huh? She already has eight vicious little dogs. They'd eat that baby in a heartbeat. Ozzy shuffles into the room, as Kelly tells him she's getting married. "Good for you," mutters Ozzy, even more distracted and shuffly than usual. (A sign on the door says, "Warning. Please wear gloves and mask before entering." God. That's some serious shit. Although Michael Jackson isn't sick and he has the same sign on his door.) Ozzy ignores Kelly and sits down, saying that he's fucking had it with the TV. He explains that he's got the fucking Bread Baking channel, where two old bleeps are fucking baking fucking bread. That should be the description in TV Guide. Ozzy calls them "Brilliant fucking baboons fucking baking homemade bread." Sharon cracks up. Ozzy goes on that he's never heard of this channel. "The Cooking Channel," offers Sharon. Ozzy says it's "The Bite -- The Bed -- The Bake-Your-Own-Bread Channel." Hee.

House. Night. Sharon and Kelly talk about Bert. Sharon asks if he's a Mormon, saying he's going to cheat on Kelly. Sharon goes on, asking when he's flying in, saying that if Kelly doesn't tell her, she's going to give him a hard time. Kelly says that's exactly what she's going to do, that she's going to ask him about sex and vaginas. Sharon just says she's going to see if he passes the Osbourne Family Test: she just wants to know why they call him "Cauliflower Dick." Jack comes into the room and Kelly says that Jack has never even had a girlfriend, that he just has girls he has "sex with because they're real gross." She puts some words in finger quotes, just for fun. Jack lays out his scheme, that you just have girls you're friends with and girls you have sex with, and you keep them separate. Kelly says it doesn't even make sense, and that it's just something he made up to justify his own behavior. Uh, well, yeah. Sharon goes on that it's very chauvinistic. Jack, going full-on Cindy Brady, informs Mom that Kelly has seen and touched Bert's dick. Sharon asks if it's green with stalks. Yuck. Sharon goes on that Bert is indeed going to sleep at the house. Kelly says no again. Jack ends it by saying that any "motherfucker" who tells you he loves you after three weeks needs to have his head checked. Wow. Jack's a little jealous, huh? (But also, yeah, Bert needs to have his head checked.)

Now Kelly wears a jacket with Bert spelled out in pink electrical tape. Oh, God. How gay. Sharon says he has to change his name, because it's "silly." Kelly, wrapping a present, asks how you spell "Nicky." She's spelled it wrong. (When do these kids go to school? Seriously.)

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The Osbournes

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