The Osbournes
Beauty And The Bert

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Kelly and Smelly

Bed. Night. Sharon and Ozzy lie in bed. Sharon says she knows that Kelly is going to marry Bert. Ozzy goes crazy stuttering, telling her not to worry about it. "Listen, all you got to worry about it getting through today." Aw, Ozzy is so worried about Sharon; it's very sweet. "And live each day to the fullest," he adds. Then Ozzy starts pulling a thread off his pants and says, "I just caught myself on the fucking door handle with my nuts." What? Commercials.

House. Day. Kelly and Jack fight. Sharon tries to stop them. "God, beam me up. Kill me now!" says Ozzy, pissed at the fighting. The dogs are barking, which for me really would be the problem. Kids, fight all you want. Little yappy dogs, you better shut up at all times.

To escape, Ozzy goes for a swim in the pool. He makes out with one of the dogs, swimming around, sliding down the water slide. He holds one of the dogs over the water. Man, that's a dope pool. I got nothing to say about that, except that I'm jealous. I know envy is a bad emotion, but I'll go to confession later.

Sharon. She tells us that everyone is now just awaiting Bert's arrival. Sharon, looking bummed and haggard, says that if she were dating someone's daughter, she'd be polite and come over and meet the parents, especially since Bert loves and wants to marry Kelly in Vegas. Sharon leaves a message for Kelly, asking her to call. Now Sharon is wondering where Kelly is again, and Ozzy says she's probably with Bert. Melinda says she just talked to Kelly but didn't ask where she was. Oh, good job, Nanny. You sucky Nanny, you. Sharon makes Melinda get Kelly on the line for her. Sharon asks when she's coming home because Colin is over. I guess Kelly says she has no idea. The phone call ends. Lola is very cute, by the way. Sharon tells us that Kelly has checked into the Hyatt on Sunset with the band, and she won't give Sharon an answer as to when she's coming home. (They call that place the "Riot Hyatt" because of all the parties and the celebs who stay there. Kelly's so getting busy.)

Ozzy watches the Two Fat Ladies show again. "Oh, you're fucking kidding me!" says Ozzy. He then shoos Lola away from the turkey he's making.

Sharon stands with some be-suited dude in Kelly's bedroom. They look at a photo of a fat guy in his underwear. "So this must be Kelly's boyfriend," Sharon says. She's worried if it is. Sharon's never even seen a photo of the dude? Doesn't she have internet access at their mansion? Seriously.

Kelly comes home with the band. She grabs Pukey and tries to hide him. "I'll deal with this fucking Burlington Bertie," says Sharon. Sharon sits, asking why Bert isn't going to come say hi. He says he's shy. Sharon says he's full of shit. Bert says he is full of shit, but then says he's shy. Huh? Sharon makes small talk about Kelly's hair and which way he likes it. They babble about the band's upcoming show for a little while, until Sharon asks, "So where did this 'Cauliflower Dick' thing come from?" Kelly says she's out of her mind and quickly leads Bert out of there. Sharon cackles and grabs her Jamba Juice. Who is that dude in the suit? He's creeping me out.

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The Osbournes

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