The Osbournes
Bye Bye Babies

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Stee: B- | Grade It Now!
Moog Indigo

On an unrelated note: Did anyone catch the last Project Greenlight? Man, that's some funny shit. It's nearly the last day of filming and Ben Affleck finally graces the set with his presence, basically shutting everything the fuck down as he blows in, towing the very unhappy-to-be-there Jennifer Lopez. Everyone makes a huge point of voice-overing about how totally involved Ben has been the whole time and he's been watching dailies and shit…yeah, right. The only "daily" he's seen lately is the daily J. Lo tantrum about how "your fucking gay lover Matt needs to mind his own damn business!" and "Why did you make me do that crap movie, Big Face?" Shia, because he's seventeen and totally doesn't give a shit, calls Ben on it, saying, "Finally you show up? I see your name on the call sheet every day." Ben and Jennifer never stop holding hands the whole time to show how in love they are -- which really just translates into "needy" and "faking it for the camera." But the best is when Ben is making some stupid joke, drunk-babbling to someone, and he looks to her for approval for some joke he just made, and she rolls her eyes and gives the bitchiest look ever not to come from a disapproving big sister or someone from the cast of Clueless. Someone within Live Planet or Miramax must have it out for their pairing, or they never would have kept it in the final edit. Brilliant. Me and a friend were trying to figure the exact moment everyone in the world shifted from being "fascinated and interested in" to "disgusted and wanting to see them fail." It started with the P. Diddy gun stuff and Ben's rehab. But I think the moment was the video. The video where they "mocked" the public's fascination with them -- which is something that always invites ire anyway. But the particularly disingenuous thing about it was that in the video they mocked their own fame by doing supposedly "outrageous" things like argue and flirt and have Ben rub lotion on her ass on a yacht -- when in reality they actually do all those things! Ben actually does rub lotion on her ass on a yacht! You can't do something with irony that you actually do. That's some fucking Alanis type of "irony" right there. (And once you've entered into Alanis irony, you've entered a dark netherworld from which few have emerged.)

So, yeah. Ben and Jennifer open Gigli (if you can call it "opening") and Ben is immediately talking to the press to do damage control and the makers of Jersey Girl are already screeching about how different their movie is, and Jennifer is trying to mend her recently-steamrolled fences by firing CAA after only two months and rehiring Endeavor, claiming she made the move under ill advisement. And somewhere, right now…right now, Matt Damon is shaking his head. (And also right now, somewhere Harvey Weinstein is eating a ham sandwich and smoking a cigarette at the same time, but that's totally unrelated.) And amidst this all, these two poor kids in love can't understand why everyone hates them so much all of a sudden. It's called schadenfreude, Bennifer. And we're not afraid to use it.

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The Osbournes




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