The Osbournes
Bye Bye Babies

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Later. The friends all sit on a huge couch watching TV. Sugar is one old-ass boxer. Man, the guys seem bored. Can't they rent some bad-toothed English hookers or something?

L.A. Lola barks at the gardener's leaf blower. I know how she feels. Then the dude waters the lawn, and Lola runs and jumps at the hose, trying to drink the water. Goddamn, that's a cute dog.

Inside. Sharon gets her toenails done. The nail lady says that all kids like to leave the house and go do their own thing. Sharon gets sad, saying she doesn't want them to, but they will. Ozzy sits having his hair colored. Sharon jokes that she wants to get Minnie pregnant so she can have babies to take care of. Ozzy says, "Hello, Sharon, remember me. I'm still here. I'm -- I'm -- I'm good for a laugh at least once a day." Everyone laughs. That's the one. Commercials.

Lola plays with a giant white ball. No, not Jack's. She chases it all over the yard until it goes into the pool. Lola climbs onto a rock and barks at it. The cute-meter is blowing up in a bad way.

Ozzy. Synth. He babbles about how he's forgotten to use it. Finally he gets some crazy noises out of it. "It's like another dimension," he says. Some dude is with him, watching. Who is that? Does Ozzy know he's there? More weird noises. "I'm like the Nutty Professor," he says, holding out his arms nuttily.

Sharon dials the phone. She calls Kelly. Meanwhile, Ozzy cuts a giant slice of carrot cake. He says he's skipping dinner and going straight to the carrot cake. The yippy dogs need to die. Sharon is saying that she misses Kelly and urging her to come home, and Ozzy is cutting his cake. "Perfect," says Ozzy. Sharon puts on that fucking voice of hers and Ozzy quickly leaves with his cake, saying that he's not giving the dogs any.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but Body By Jake has Ozzy on the ground in the garage, flat on his back. Ozzy is talking about how he likes to eat carrot cake, and Body By Jake is saying that he's maintaining his weight at 160 and that what he's doing is the entire weight-loss philosophy. I can't tell if he's scolding him or praising him. Just like my dad.

Sad music place. Lola lies on the floor, depressed. Sharon looks out the window. Ozzy gets cake. Lola. Cake. Ozzy eats cake. Sharon lies in bed, bummed. Lola lies on the ground, bummed. Ozzy carries cake upstairs. Lola. Ozzy eating. Sharon in bed.

Jack arrives home. "Miracle?" he says, of Lola. Lola sees him and starts doing that tongue-licking thing. I love that Lola is the first thing Jack wants to see. Oh, and Kelly's home too. Great.

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The Osbournes

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