We open with Sharon telling Jack that Kelly had a "really, really bad day" at the MTV Awards in Europe. Christina Aguilera had a dart board with Kelly's face on it during the show, and was throwing darts at it while making comments about Kelly. Cut to a shot of Kelly as an awkward pre-teen, all braces and Corey Haim hair. Jack blames Kelly for starting the whole thing. He then pops a zit, looks at it, and then gives a guilty look to the camera. Hi, Jack. Sharon thinks that throwing darts at someone's face is a bit much. "Well," Jack ruminates, "Kelly did call her a cunt a bunch of times." Sharon: "Well...nothing wrong with that." Crazy. Hey, but that's how it goes.
There's a new blonde assistant/nanny/poo catcher, and she's ordering a cake for Jack's birthday. Nearby -- still with arms, as far as I can tell -- is Sharon, overseeing the whole thing. Thankless Task Man introduces Sharon to the BMW people. They bought Jack a Beemer? Sharon, New Nanny, and Minnie go outside to see Jack's new ride.
Wow. My first car was an '83 Renault Alliance. When you turned the heater on, the car smelled like maple syrup. The battery had to be replaced monthly. But, you know, I suppose Jack needs all the help he can get if he wants girls to have sex with him. Nice that his parents recognize that fact. Correction. The car is a Beemer SUV. Now I hate him.
Kelly -- dressed as Biker Ms. Pac-Man -- retells the story of her evening near Christina Aguilera, and how she wanted to go up and call her a cunt again. She says she was very respectful of Christina at the American Music Awards and didn't say a word. Kelly sure looks like Ozzy these days. You think Jack looks like Sharon before all her plastic surgery? Kelly says she doesn't give a shit what Christina Aguilera thinks of her. Sharon sits and tells Kelly she's just glad she's home, and that "they" should have told Kelly what was going on. "They" is MTV, I guess. Well, they've never been deceitful, have they? Hey, have you guys seen that picture of Christina Aguilera in this week's EW? She looks like Patty LaBelle. Terrifying. Also: if I'm going off on tangents about pictures in magazines, this show must be pretty damn boring. Sharon tells Kelly what Christina said at the end of the show: "If you can give it out, you should be able to take it." Christina Aguilera has never said that many words in a row. Kelly wanted to call Christina out by saying that Christina's pissy she didn't get the publicity she wanted by making out with Madonna, so now she's trying to use Kelly to achieve the same result. We take a break from this hilarity to watch Lola butt-sniff Minnie down the hall. Thanks for that. Sharon asks Kelly if she saw Jack's car. Kelly says it's really nice, but that Jack doesn't know how to drive. "Be happy for him," Sharon says. She tells Kelly just to say it's a nice car. Kelly flies into a rage: "That's what I said!" But she points out again that he doesn't even have a license, Leeeza. Kelly's over-sarcastic teenage tone is so perfect. There's that age between fifteen and twenty when girls can be so super-mean to their parents and get this tone. And Sharon gives Kelly the look my mother used to give me when I used that tone. It clearly states, "I can't believe how much I want to slap this child who came out of my body. But if I show her my emotions she'll pounce. She can smell fear. I must remain calm." Kelly calls Jack a "poo driver." There's an "r" in there somewhere, but Kelly didn't pronounce it. Some guy in a hat drinks water and agrees with Kelly. "Look who's talking," Sharon says, covering her face. Kelly sasses that she doesn't drive seven hundred miles an hour. That's the other great thing girls at her age do -- talk in extremes. Sharon says that Jack's a good driver. "No, he's not," Kelly says, storming out.