Jack comes home and sees his car. I guess when you have that kind of money and give huge gifts like that all the time, it takes away that need to see someone's reaction to getting the gift. There's no desire to hide everybody in the garage, almost asphyxiating on carbon monoxide fumes, hoping the boy parks his bike in there like usual instead of using the front door, ruining the whole surprise. Jack is moved to say, "Awesome." Sharon is more excited, and hugs her pet sloth son. They don't even bother to hide the crew in the house anymore, do they? I've seen more boom mics and sound guys than ever before.
Jack gets into the car and thanks his mom. He kisses her on the cheek and says he likes the interior, too. He starts the engine and dances, "I got a car!" He honks the horn a few times. Jack announces that he's going to drive to Mexico and get a hooker.
On the walk back in, Jack slaughters the Toys R Us jingle, his arm around his mother.
Jack finds his father in his underwear. He thanks Ozzy for his birthday gift and hugs him.
Jack's bedroom. A random stranger is couched out. Jack asks the pj'ed Kelly what happened with Christina. Kelly calls it a publicity stunt. They discuss nipple cream and how good it is for tattoos. Kelly just got tattoos on her feet. Jack says he's getting a tattoo tomorrow, of a Jolly Roger. Kelly tries to talk him out of it. Jack delivers a monologue known as "A Pirate's Life For Me" while they play pirate music in the background. It succeeds only in making me fantasize about Johnny Depp. Kelly says he'll look ridiculous with a Jolly Roger tattoo. "No, I wouldn't," Jack says. "I'd look hot." Kelly tells Couchy that Jack didn't even know what his first tattoo meant. It's a wheel on his forearm. Kelly says it could be "the Tibetan wheel of how to suck testicles" or some shit. Jack teases Kelly for putting on an American accent. Kelly says she doesn't do that. Jack then touches his sister about her privates. He's flopping his hands alternately toward her boobs and crotch. Kelly jumps off the desk and goes into fighting mode. She kicks him.
Dogs chase each other.
Same shot of Kelly kicking. Then a punch. Jack doubles over. He lifts Kelly and throws her to the ground as someone off-camera makes a Tae-Bo joke. As Jack balls Kelly up into a defensive crouch, he pinches a nerve in her neck. She begs him to be gentle, but he says it's his birthday so he can do whatever he wants. Kelly punches Jack.
Another girl walks through the house eating bacon. This one has a green scarf. It's after 10, but Jack's asleep. GreenScarf tries to wake Jack, but then closes the door. Jack informs us that her name is Amanda, and that she's his personal assistant. (Babysitter. Semantics.) Jack tells us that Amanda handles his day-to-day stuff, and makes sure he does things on time. There's a shot of Amanda telling Jack he needs to go, and not play with his hair. "Shut the fuck up!" they make it look like Jack says. If he does, Amanda should quit. Also: what does Jack do all day that he needs a hired girlfriend for? Jack says he and Amanda get along really well. Cut to montage of Jack harassing poor Amanda, griping about an early shoot, telling her to hand in her resignation, slamming the door in her face, putting her in a headlock, and calling her a comedian. It ends with Amanda taking care of the valet, as clueless Jack appears to have forgotten what the little white ticket is for.