The Osbournes

Episode Report Card
Stee: B | 425 USERS: C+
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Dirrrty

The contractor quickly calls Sharon and explains about Ozzy wanting a kennel for the dogs. "No fucking way," says Sharon calmly. And that's that. Hee.

Ozzy has a meeting with the house staff, telling them that if they want to come into the house on a regular basis, they need a flu shot. "Bun up, and butts out!" says Ozzy, kicking off The Naked Butt Montage. People get shots. No one has a nice one.

Ozzy dodders down the stairs with a can of my favorite beer, Guinness, and then, with the help of a maid, climbs up on a chair to get a glass (not a pint glass, though). Ozzy explains that the beer is for Sharon, and that it has iron, so in English hospitals they serve it to the patients. "So, so good for you," he says as Sharon drinks it. "A Guinness a day keeps the doctor away." I love the fucking English health logic. It's right up there with "Rock candy for lunch…who needs dentists!" And also, man, only an alcoholic would prescribe beer for illness.

Ozzy makes a salad. A cat climbs in the sink. Ozzy makes chicken. Gus is on the counter, watching. "Now, fuck off, Guy…Gus, Jim, Bill, whatever your fucking name is," Ozzy says. Hee. C'mon, dude. He just had dog dick in his ass. Give him some chicken, yo. He warns the cat that he'll be dead if he touches the chicken. Then he yells, "Fuck off!" at a dog and dodders outside to put it on the barbecue (the chicken, not the dog). "You can fuck off," he tells another dog outside. He tells more dogs to fuck off inside, and the cat, and then the dogs again, for safe measure.

Sharon comes outside, and they eat outdoors, surrounded by the dogs. "It stinks like shit out here," says Ozzy. Poor guy, all his big outdoor plans are always ruined. Like the beach bonfire. And OzzFest.

Jack's room. Jack plays nuclear explosion on Lola, pulling her face in and then snapping all the face skin out. It's funny. Lola nips at Jack after the second time. Robert laughs. Jack & Robert Fuck Around Montage starts. They play with the dog, dance, play outside. Light fireworks. Listen to music. Play space alien. Watch dogs hump. Hug. They end the montage showing the family rocks in the garden, with their names on it, and then a brick with "Robert" written crudely on it. That's sweet of them.

The Osbournes

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