The Osbournes
Cleanliness Is Next To Ozzyness

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Dirrrty

So people are complaining that the ratings are way down and the show is suffering. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. But it's still one of the more entertaining things on television. Except, goddamn, they keep killing me with the Pepsi commercials and the hosting. Sharon can't do this talk show. I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard. Well, aside from Kelly's album, and Jack's gay wrestling career.

One of the dogs voraciously licks the mouth of the sleeping Lola. It reminds me of that anti-weed commercial where the girl is so high at the party that she can't really stop that freshman dude from feeling on her titties. Ozzy stares at the scene, his mouth agape (although, really, Ozzy's mouth is pretty much always agape). He looks over (well, they edit him watching TV or something to look like he's watching all this) to see another of the little dogs, this one with a crazy joker smile, scratching at the glass door to be let inside. Oh no, he is actually watching this, as he gets up and walks to the back door, muttering about the little dog driving him mental with the scratching, and Ozzy starts jumping up and down, mimicking and mocking the little dog. Wow, Sharon needs to send Ozzy back out on the road. Homeboy is bored. Ozzy lets the dog in.

Opening theme. Sharon is skinny. Jack spits water. Kelly laughs like a seal. Ozzy dances. We all watch as the shark sails beneath us. Title card: "Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness."

Ozzy comes home to dogs fighting and yipping. Rape survivor Gus plays with the water spigot. Amusing-themselves editing crew ironically shows a shot of a book called "A Peaceful Life." Ozzy goes to the fridge and says, "Well, I'm back, man," and then points to dog shit all over the floor. The Bitch Boy points out that Ozzy has shit on his heel. "Oh, fuck, man," says Ozzy, hobbling (not hobbling as usual for him, but this time trying not to spread the poo) outside, muttering that he's sick and tired and that it's driving him mental. He goes on that he lives in a "nine-million-dollar turd." Hee. And also: nine million! Jesus. I'm going to go find a bat I can orally decapitate. Ozzy, now sitting outside, points to the lawn and how there are big brown spots where the dogs urinate "radioactive piss." It really is fucking gross. Ozzy goes on that he might as well take his money and throw it in the fire. He tells Bitch Boy to order him a crocodile to eat all the dogs. I'm sure Bitch Boy is in there right now flipping through the Staples catalog to find one, hoping he won't be fired.

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The Osbournes

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