The Osbournes
Cleanliness Is Next To Ozzyness

Episode Report Card
Stee: B- | Grade It Now!

Ozzy sits inside with one of Sharon's helpers or doctors, discussing the dog crap. "Dogs carry fucking bugs, man," says Ozzy, obviously in a very quotable mode. He says that Sharon's immune system…and then he just moves on -- as we see a dog piss on the floor -- that it's like a sewer in there. He says that a fly is going to land on shit and then "run" -- though I don't think flies are very good at running -- into the bedroom (where Sharon is). The doctor/helper says that Sharon's promised to keep the dogs off the bed. Right -- and Arthur has promised to stop ass-raping the cats, and look where that's gotten us.

Bedroom. Ozzy grabs one of the dogs, lifting it away from Sharon. He mutters the whole time about "sorry, sweetheart" and "you can't -- you can't." I don't know a whole lot about animal training, but my three cats (yes, I have three now -- next time you fall in love with someone, realize you're not only taking that person into your life, but whatever cats they might have; and then think long and hard about it…) barely understand a clearly spoken "No!" I'd bet they don't really get a whole lot out of Ozzy's mumblings. As Ozzy pushes gently, the dog ignores Ozzy and doesn't get off the bed, but rather wanders over to Sharon's side. "No, Magdalena," says Ozzy, as Sharon tells the dog to "just lie still," because that way the bugs can't jump to Sharon at all. Ozzy lectures Sharon about how she doesn't want to get an infection at this time, and he's yelling about "bugs," which cracks my shit up. Poor Sharon. If she can't have her dogs to comfort her, what can she have? Maybe Ozzy should find her some bands to bully or musicians to fire. That's the only other thing she loves quite as much.

Ozzy's gym. He picks up dog shit, muttering totally unintelligibly. And this ushers in The Great Shit Montage: Dog shit on the floor. Bad Nanny cleaning pee. Dog shit on the floor. Dog shit on the floor. Dog shit on the rug. Dog shit outside. Dog shit on the rug. Someone cleaning up dog shit. Lola shitting. Lovely. I haven't seen puke in a while. Let's have Bad Nanny puke up her tea and Doritos next.

Pantry. Jack has baked beans hidden in back of stuff. He pulls out a can and makes Robert his "first beans on toast." He calls it a historic event. They eat, Lola standing on the counter watching, practically burning herself on a candle. The food looks nasty, but Robert seems to like it.

Jack camera-talks about Robert. He befriended Aimee and Kelly at school when they first moved to the country. His mom recently died of cancer, and so they've taken him in. Robert runs around, checking out his new digs -- which seems to be a guest house in the back of the house. I know his mom died, and I don't mean to be insensitive, but -- Oh my God, that's a dope set-up for a kid. Why don't I have any rich rock-star-kid friends? I was friends with the son of sixties icon and ice cream namesake Wavy Gravy, but their house was ugly and they definitely weren't rolling in money. Robert finishes the tour, showing his new bedroom and the Chinese Love Bed he'll be sleeping in.

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The Osbournes




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