The Osbournes
Cleanliness Is Next To Ozzyness

Episode Report Card
Stee: B- | Grade It Now!

Ozzy cleaning pee. He says, "Not one more fly!" He goes on that he loves every animal he sees, but the smell is like something from hell. He says the smell "takes a human form and chases you around the house." Hee. That's funny. He goes on that he wishes someone would create a dog that didn't shit. Ozzy is actually scrubbing the rug with cleanser, which is something I'd never expect -- and something he'd never do if Sharon weren't ill. He talks into Lola's ass, asking for no more shit to come out. I hope it works. That would be amazing. Commercials.

House. Day. Workers have just put up those massive dog portraits we've seen for a while now on the stairwell. Ozzy jokes that they forgot to put up the Dog Shit portrait. Hee. That's funny. The portraits, however: the mark of a crazy house. Ozzy goes on that they should now get rid of the dogs and just keep the photographs -- the photographs don't stink.

Kitchen. Sharon jokes around with Lulu, as some hot blonde aide sends her up to bed. Sharon makes sure she has her magazine, and then looks around for Minnie. They find her, and Sharon leads her upstairs -- Sharon saying that Minnie sleeps "under" the bed, which is total bullshit.

Kelly asks the aide if the dogs could get her mom sick. The aide says the doctors told her not to have them on the bed, but she can hold them and pick them up. Kelly tells the sleeping Lulu to shut up.

Bedroom. Sharon asks Ozzy where he's going. He says, "I'm going to hop around the garden. Step in some dog shit, and go insane, to start the day off." Hee.

Downstairs. Ozzy steps in more shit. He then lectures two men: "Don't touch the dog and then touch your mom. Don't touch a piece of shit and then touch your mom." It's funny because I'm sure Kelly and Jack are just off camera, but it looks like he's yelling at the old dudes. Ozzy shows how he's carrying tons of anti-bacterial hand wash to make sure he stays sanitary. He goes on that he gets pissed off that no one listens to him. "Everyone around here is contaminated," he says. They show a dog licking its ass. A cat licking its ass. A dog humping a bigger dog's head. Ozzy yells at the men, this time about hygiene, as a small white dog tugs on the cock of another dog, pulling it out and snapping it back in. The big dog wakes up. Yeah, I would too.

Office. Kelly howls with laughter when Sharon finds a dried piece of shit on Minnie's fur. Kelly says, "I told you they were disgusting." What does that mean? Dogs or clumps of poo? Kelly tells her to pull it off, but she says she can't because every time she does it gets "mushier" in her fingers. Ew. Yuck. They can't find scissors, but then Kelly takes some demo CD and pulls it off with that, yelling that it stinks. Oh, man -- I know there are a lot of bad fates for a band's demo, but being used to pull shit off a dog's fur is one of the worst. It looks like the band's name is "Superheist." Well, with a jackass name like that, they probably deserve it.

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The Osbournes




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