The Osbournes
Cleanliness Is Next To Ozzyness

Episode Report Card
Stee: B- | Grade It Now!

Jack's room. He shows off for Robert, putting on his helmet. Jack has Robert throw a shoe at his head, demonstrating the power of the helmet. They're such boys. They stand dancing around to the music, saying stuff like, "Cool," and "Yeah."

Sharon comes to get Robert, to check out the current state of the guest house. God, it's gorgeous. Robert doesn't want some pictures in the fucking huge kitchen. Sharon lists off that they need a rug, a coffee table, and a sofa. Poor Robert. He must feel terrible nodding and saying "yes" to all this expensive stuff they need. I'd just tell them I'd be fine living in the garden, in a sleeping bag.

But instead, they go shopping. Robert tries out five-thousand-dollar sofas and chairs and beds. Desks. Chandeliers. Everything in four figures. God. More stores. A crap song plays during this, by the way. Sharon looks very happy spending money. I guess along with playing with yippie dogs and firing musicians, that's her thing. Shopping is her dulcinea.

Speaking of dulcineas, Ozzy goes on with his current obsession -- which seems to have taken the place of burritos -- and that is yelling at people about dirt. He tells Jack that Sharon's immune system is shot, and they don't want to overreact but they've got to get the point across. Ozzy gets a little upset, saying he hopes nothing serious happens. He leaves. Jack says he loves Ozzy. He doesn't pause to stop eating when he says it, but it's still pretty sweet.

House. Night. Jack yells at Sharon that she's not going out. "Jack, I'm not dying. I'm not crippled." Man, Jack is upset. Sharon says the chemo doesn't affect you until two days afterwards. They fight some more, and finally Sharon says she hasn't been out for months and she wants to go out to dinner with her girlfriends. Jack says she never listens to them, and then tells her to "fuck off." Wow. Commercials.

House. Day. Kelly sits by Sharon's bed. Sharon is telling her how great she felt going out last night and how she didn't want to come home at all. Kelly says she's pissed how angry Jack got, but Sharon says he just cares and he doesn't understand -- it's all so much for him. Sharon says again how great it felt to be out having fun and being silly with the girls.

Downstairs. Sharon sits covered with dogs. Ozzy tells her not to let the dogs lick her, and she pretends she has no idea what he's talking about. Again, he talks about the bugs and the immune system. Ozzy goes on, saying the dog was just licking her butt. (The dog's butt, not Sharon's. Things haven't gotten that out of control over there.) Oh, poor Ozzy. So panicked. So worried. He takes her outside for a walk in the garden. They sniff flowers and shuffle around, really looking like two mental patients, even though she's the only one wearing a bathrobe. Then Ozzy steps in shit and Sharon cackles.

Office. Ozzy complains to Bad Nanny that there are too many fucking dogs. Bad Nanny says matter-of-factly, "I know," like "no shit." It's great. Bitch Boy is there too -- and Ozzy lays out his master plan to build the dogs a kennel outside with a fence and air conditioning. Uh-oh.

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The Osbournes




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