Recap of best scenes. Ozzy dances with James Brown Doll. Ozzy yells for Sharon to stop vacuuming. Ozzy does his Moulin Rouge video, fake-fucks a dog, shows his ass, rides the sleigh, tells us they have too many dogs, plays with Lola and the fake bulldog. Martin stares at the camera; then Lola pukes again. Gross. Thanks a lot, MTV, you fuckers. I'd almost rather watch the Creed video then see Lola puke again. Pipi pees, and Ozzy yells. Ozzy snores. Lola wears glasses and a hat. Ozzy asks his kids not to do drugs or drink and to wear a condom if they have sex. "My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business," says Kelly. Jack mugs. Ozzy tries to take out the trash, use the TV, and work out. He says he hates Christmas. Backstage antics at the show with Kelly and midgets, then fake-snow-swallowing girl. Ozzy sniffs the dog's butt. Jack makes quiche. Ozzy tells us he shouldn't be drinking, and then drunk-walks Lola. Ozzy fake-swims in the empty pool. Minnie tries to kill Kelly. Ozzy drives a Lark electric scooter. Ozzy makes his "See you Tamara" joke, then talks about Dill and his head-scratching. Ozzy throws wood at the neighbors. Ozzy looks for the cat outside. "Sharon!!!" he yells. He bitches about the bubbles. Ozzy tells on Kelly's tattoo. He cuts ham and scares the cat. He tells Jack, "I love you all. I love you more than life itself. But you're all fucking mad." Ozzy asks what the fuck Kelly wants him to do, then pops the fizzy piss cork. Ozzy tries to bail from the family talk. Kelly and Jack fight. Puss and Pipi fight. Ozzy kisses Kelly, then gags at the lipstick. Jack bites Lola's cheek. Jack and Kelly kiss. Ozzy dances with Sharon. He tells her to fuck off. Ozzy sits in the chair backstage, and falls backwards.
Ozzy then camera-talks, "That's the way we are. We're the Osbournes. And I love it."
Ah, man. That's it. Well, thanks for reading, kids. It's been interesting having a good show for once. I hope it's not the last one I ever get, but with my luck Darren Star will decide to do a new show. Bye!