The Osbournes
Dinner With Ozzy

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My Dinner With Ozzy

A couple days ago I was asked to be on a nationally syndicated radio talk show to chat about the phenomenon of The Osbournes and to dissect its popularity from a sociological point of view. I agreed, but then I went to the dude's website and discovered that he was a Rush Limbaugh-type "Family Values"-preaching never-forget-Waco kind of guy, and I was sure I was walking into a right-wing ambush; I was sure they were going to start talking about how the popularity of the show was a sure sign of the apocalypse. But here's how universally loved The Osbournes is: he just had me describe the show, what I thought the future of reality television was, and then finally dismissed me when I didn't know enough about Alf to satisfy him. In truth, he was a very nice guy, we had a good talk, and he didn't bring politics into it at all, but it struck me how utterly uncontroversial Ozzy's become. He better go shit on the Capitol steps or something real quick to get his street cred back.

Open. Daytime. House. A full-on chef dude is preparing a fancy meal in the kitchen as Sharon picks out clothes for Ozzy; Ozzy sits in his bathrobe having his hair done. They pull old audio of Ozzy shouting that he doesn't like the outfit. That's cheating. The chef finishes preparations as a houseboy lights candles at a table. Ozzy comes down the stairs "dressed up" (meaning he's in his best black clothes with his best sunglasses and gold chains). He sits at his carefully-lit table, the spread in front of him, and tells us that in life when you get old enough to figure things out, you die. He talks about how you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink; then we see Ozzy drinking water. Hee…sorta. Half a hee. "Dinner With Ozzy" is the title. Opening credits.

Poor Pat Boone. I read how he would have given his version of "Crazy Train" for them to use for free, but they never asked him. MTV claims they didn't think he'd give it to them, but I think MTV just hates Pat Boone. Or doesn't know who he is.

Ozzy tries unsuccessfully to spear an orange slice a few times, before finally getting it. Yeah! Ozzy tells us he's been called Ozzy Osbourne for as long as he can remember, but he was born John Michael Osbourne, in Astor, Birmingham. He goes on that he doesn't know what the normal American family is because it's not abnormal the way he lives…because he lives that way, he reasons.

Jack stokes a fire outside as, inside, the stray cat they have staying with them jumps from a box to a hanging mirror; everyone screams. Finally, the cat is on top of another antique mirror as Ozzy yells for everyone to stop screaming. Sharon, holding her Puss (hee -- the cat, dirty), has her hand over her mouth, half-scared, half-laughing. Jack implores Dad not to push the mirror, as it's precarious; Ozzy tells Jack to "calm fucking down, man." Ozzy then pushes the mirror and Sharon asks, "Oh Daddy, please." Ozzy screams that he can't get the cat down if he can't get his hand up there. Sharon says that they have a "tickling stick" (c'mon, Sharon, we don't need to know about your sex life), adding that the mirror is an antique. The poor maid is very scared as she watches. Ozzy climbs up on the table and tries to hit the cat with a duster. Sharon says this is a horrible idea as various people tell Ozzy to stop. Finally, Sharon just starts busting up. Kelly tells Ozzy that the cat is in "attack movement" and everyone screams and freaks out. Ozzy tells the Fam to shut up. Jack hands Ozzy a squeaky toy and tells him it will scare the cat. Ozzy squeaks it a few times and then asks why the fuck is he squeezing a fake newspaper at it. Sharon tells Ozzy the cat is going to fucking get him. Melinda says it's going to kill him as Kelly yells, "It's ruthless!" Jack tells Ozzy to "hit him with this," and Sharon tells him not to. Aimee and Sharon and others laugh and scream as Ozzy and Jack pull the mirror back and shake it. It doesn't fall. Ozzy shakes it again and everyone screams and Ozzy yells, "Stop screaming!" Finally, the cat comes down and runs around the room, and everyone, the maid and Aimee particularly, jump like it's rabid; Sharon laughs hysterically.

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The Osbournes

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