The Osbournes
Dinner With Ozzy

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My Dinner With Ozzy

Ozzy tells us that his wife Sharon is the leader. He says everyone does what she says. He's the monkey on the piano; Sharon plays the tunes.

Sharon asks Ozzy to taste something. He says no, folding his arms. He doesn't want to taste it. She informs him that he does indeed want to. He asks if it's cyanide. She says it's a "new gum," handing him a Listerine strip. (I guess his breath stinks and this is her way to get him to fix it without telling him.) Ozzy puts it on his tongue all scared. He says it's a stamp and then says that there's nothing there. She asks if he likes it and he says, "It's fucking crap. It disappeared." Ozzy is all mystified by the magic of the Listerine strip. She says that it's supposed to freshen your mouth, and suddenly Ozzy starts screaming that she lied to him, saying it was gum. She wanted him to try it; he walks away, saying it's fucking horrible. "I don't like it," adds Sharon as he walks away. "Thanks a lot," he says.

At the table, Ozzy tells us he lives in Beverly Hills and that it's incredible, based on where he came from. He says his parents did the best they could, that they never went without food -- he stops as a waiter bring him another course; he takes a bite. Ozzy then tells us that his philosophy as a parent is to be "rigorously honest." If his kids ask where babies come from, he's not going to say that they came from a box in the garden. (Yeah, the famous Box In The Garden myth of procreation. Actually, the "box" part is sort of right.)

Cut to Jack's room. The folks in there are watching TV with Jack for some reason. Sharon snuggles up to Ozzy and they kiss as Jack gets all pissed and bratty. "Stop it!" he yells, warning that he'll kick them out. Ozzy asks what's the matter as the freaky little lapdog starts making out with Ozzy and Sharon. Ozzy mutters between nasty dog kisses that it's love between all creatures and people.

Ozzy now tells us that there were lots of secrets in his family growing up, that he'd say, "What happened to Uncle Bill?" and they'd say, "Who? We never had an Uncle Bill." He says that people would just disappear. Man, it sounds like he lived in the mob, not working-class England. Ozzy goes on that in his family now, if there's something that's got to be said, it's said.

Kitchen. Ozzy and Kelly peeling vegetables. Ozzy says he used to have to peel potatoes in jail. Melinda didn't know Ozzy was in jail; he was in for stealing. Ozzy says that he was thirty-two. Kelly then gleefully adds that he went to jail also for trying to kill Mom. Ozzy corrects that he was not arrested, but held in remand for trying to kill Mom. Melinda doesn't believe him. Oh, Melinda. You should know better than to doubt anything with these people. Oh, and hey, Dan Quayle. Did you know Ozzy tried to kill his wife before you pointed him out as a great Family Values person? Didn't think so, potatoe-head.

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The Osbournes

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